A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

You Can Do It (Put Your Back Into It) January 29, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 11:24 am
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I think the reason I like this article is that it’s completely in line with how I feel about dieting lifestyle changes.

I don’t think it’s possible to change everything at once.  I also believe that most diets don’t work because people think of them as a short term fix.

Losing weight isn’t something that can happen over short term, nor is it something you can put down and pick up on a whim.  I think it’s something you have to commit to.  You have to really want it, being willing to give things up and make some sacrifices to get what you want, otherwise it’s not going to happen.

For years I’ve searched for some easy way to lose weight and (surprise!) I never found it.  I had to wrap my head around the fact that the only way for me to do this is to put some effort behind it.  I talk the talk about “if I was thin” but now I have to walk the walk.  No one is going to do this for me.

 

Sweet Sweet January 27, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 2:08 pm
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I had to leave work early today because my body has turned into a germ factory.  I’m spewing fluids from all my head-orifices.  Ok, that’s gross.  I’m sorry.

On the way home, I stopped and did my weigh in because I knew I would climb in my lounge clothes once I got home and not want to get re-dressed later.  I’m down again this week!  I lost 4.6 lbs!!!  That’s a huge number at this stage of the game, but I’m glad because next week is my historically “bad” week (stupid female body).  I went up four weeks ago next week and I’m going to try to make sure that doesn’t happen this time.

I decided that this week I’m going to be super careful with how much sodium I ingest, both cutting down my salt and avoiding packaged foods.  I don’t know if it will work, but it’s worth a shot and eating lowering my sodium is never a bad thing. 

I’ll let you know how it turns out of course. 🙂

 

St. Anger January 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 9:05 pm
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As a fan of ‘The Biggest Loser’, I sometimes visit the message boards for the show on TWOP and read through what other people think of the episodes.  Sometimes people agree with me, sometimes they don’t, and sometimes people point something out that causes me to look at something in a different light than I previously did.

I’m so naive to think that people who watch/post about this show would actually be SOMEWHAT sensitive to weight struggles.  I know, what was I thinking?!  People who watch reality television aren’t always the most….kind people.  Otherwise, why would producers feel the need to give us someone to hate every season? 

Someone on the boards posted something about one of the contestants being a ‘fat, lazy slob’ and my back went up a bit.  I’m not slobby or lazy, even though I’m fat and while I don’t think I can speak for fat people everywhere, I would hazard to guess that most fat people aren’t either of those things either.  Sure, I don’t love to exercise, but who the hell does?  I don’t think that makes me lazy.  I think that makes me normal.  And while I certainly spill things on my shirt more often than someone without a breast shelf would, I’ve seen my skinniest friend Phi spill shit on herself on a regular basis and no one thinks SHE’S a slob.

Then a couple days later, this same person posted about not caring for the challenge on the episode because it made her have to look at the contestants “ham hock legs and cankles” and then proceeded to mock them for an entire paragraph.  Jesus Christ!  I’m so furious over these comments!  I don’t understand how people can be so mean!

I get it, those people got themselves to the state that they’re currently in, just like I got myself to where I am now.  But you know what?  Just because I will stand up and own every pound that’s on my frame, does not mean that I don’t deserve common decency.  I’m not asking people for sympathy or for help (unless we’re related, hi Nanny!), but I am asking them not to say negative shit to me or behind my back when they think I can’t hear (I don’t have excess flab in my eardrums jackass, I can hear you discussing the size of my ass).  Do people honestly think that fat people don’t know they’re fat?  Here’s a new flash: we know!  We’re probably more aware of our size than you are, so go away.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to finish my laundry (in order to not be slobby tomorrow at work) and do my dishes.

 

The Battle of Evermore January 22, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:20 pm
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Today was the first time someone outside my family noticed that I’ve lost weight. 

My friend and coworker turned to me today and asked if I had lost some weight.  I had decided that if anyone asked directly, I would just tell them.  Otherwise I figured I was operating under a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kinda policy (except with less homophobia).  I told her that I’d lost about 23 lbs (hey, I’m allowed to round up) and she looked shocked.

In my head, I’m not impressed by that number at all.  I have so far to go and so much to lose that I hear the number “23” and I am really thinking, “that’s just a FRACTION of the weight I want to lose!”.  It’s really not that fair to me.  Even though I still have a long way to go, I’ve come so far already.  I’ve lost almost a quarter of a hundred pounds, which is no small potatoes!  I need to work on thinking more of my accomplishments because this kind of uphill gazing is detrimental to my efforts, don’t you think? 

I’m in this for the long haul, I really and truly believe that, but part of me is waiting for my inevitable fuck up.  I keep thinking that at some point I will feel “safer”, like I’ve been doing it long enough or doing well enough that I can let my guard down a bit. 

The thing with weight loss, is that if you are someone who struggles with your weight, I get the feeling that you can never let your guard down.  You can never relax and just flow because it’s a constant battle.  This is kinda depressing to think about too.  I really hope that I can look forward to a future where I don’t constantly obsess over food, good or bad for me as it may be, but I don’t think that’s going to be the case.  Wrapping my head around that fact is at least half of the battle.

 

Work Hard January 20, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 7:04 pm
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I’m down again this week!  I lost 2.6 lbs for a grand total of 22.8 lbs since I started!

The weirdest part is that this week, I’ve been thinking that my hands are getting thinner.  Which, I’m not complaining about, but couldn’t it have been my ass?  Or my upper arms?  Or my stomach?  Or my thighs?  My fingers and wrists are not places I avoid looking at in the mirror!

 

Blue Suede Shoes January 17, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 5:13 pm
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I broke down and bought a new pair of walking shoes. 

 

I hate spending money on sports equipment, especially when I’m still trying to pay off Christmas bills, but I had no choice.  My other “athletic” (I use that word very loosely) shoes were slightly too small, proving that I am an idiot who doesn’t even know how to properly fit footwear for myself. 

In my defense, when I bought them the sales person said that they would stretch (they fit in length, they just weren’t wide enough).  I’ve had that happen before, I buy a pair of shoes that fit, and then a couple of weeks pass of me wearing them every day and suddenly I’m flopping around in clown shoes because they’ve stretched on the sides and now my foot doesn’t need as much length to accommodate them for what they weren’t getting in width. Does that make sense?

It’s made worse by my ridiculously small feet. If I can find a pair of shoes that are wide enough for my fat feet, like a skate shoe then I have to buy my shoes at Kiddie Kobbler.  No, I’m not even kidding.  I take a women’s size seven, but only because of the width.  Otherwise, I buy a boys size four and half. 

Go ahead, laugh away!  It gets funnier if you picture me trying to buy heels!

 

Make it Better January 15, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 10:38 pm
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I may have said this before, but I never used to think of myself as an emotional eater.  I was wrong, I’m very much an emotional eater.

Oh, I’ve never sat and cried as I ate a bowl of ice cream but when I’m grumpy or not feeling well, I turn to food.

Today I had a headache.  You know, one of those vicious ones that progresses from “ooh, that twinge in my head feels like it might become a pain” to “a vice has wrapped itself around my head and is trying to squeeze my eyeballs out of their sockets” in five seconds?  Tylenol stopped working for me recently, so I reached for my Motrin and discovered the bottle was empty.  Damn coworkers!  They know I keep a stocked pharmacy in my desk drawer and they raid it whenever they want!  Don’t they know the universal rule that you never take someones last ANYTHING?! 

Regardless, I was sitting there with my giant pounding head, foolishly hoping that the Tylenol I begged off of our receptionist would decide to work, and I had a craving.  For fast food.  I’ve had these cravings before, but they’ve usually occurred while I was watching a McDonald’s commercial and they go away once the stupid food porn has ended.  Not this time.  It was all I could think about.  Specifically, I wanted onion rings and a giant cheeseburger. 

The more I tried to talk myself out of it, the more I wanted it.  It was like one of those old school cartoons where the angel perches on one shoulder and the devil on the other.  I was activly upsetting myself by trying to talk myself out of eating a damn cheeseburger.  Then I realized something.  I was so sure that eating the burger was going to make me feel better.  I was low and hurting, and the food was going to make it better.  Was this true?  No!  But that’s what I felt and I felt it so strongly that I could have cried.

I made a promise to myself that if I still wanted the fast food tomorrow, I could have it for dinner.  I could go to Wendy’s and order a chicken sandwich and baked potato with broccoli and cheese (9 points – I looked it up to pacify myself).  Giving myself the permission to eat it tomorrow (when I’m feeling better) and only if I still wanted was enough to allow me to drive by the drive-thru window and come home to make a beef stir fry over brown rice – which was delicious and had no emotional strings attached.