A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

The Battle of Evermore January 22, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:20 pm
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Today was the first time someone outside my family noticed that I’ve lost weight. 

My friend and coworker turned to me today and asked if I had lost some weight.  I had decided that if anyone asked directly, I would just tell them.  Otherwise I figured I was operating under a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kinda policy (except with less homophobia).  I told her that I’d lost about 23 lbs (hey, I’m allowed to round up) and she looked shocked.

In my head, I’m not impressed by that number at all.  I have so far to go and so much to lose that I hear the number “23” and I am really thinking, “that’s just a FRACTION of the weight I want to lose!”.  It’s really not that fair to me.  Even though I still have a long way to go, I’ve come so far already.  I’ve lost almost a quarter of a hundred pounds, which is no small potatoes!  I need to work on thinking more of my accomplishments because this kind of uphill gazing is detrimental to my efforts, don’t you think? 

I’m in this for the long haul, I really and truly believe that, but part of me is waiting for my inevitable fuck up.  I keep thinking that at some point I will feel “safer”, like I’ve been doing it long enough or doing well enough that I can let my guard down a bit. 

The thing with weight loss, is that if you are someone who struggles with your weight, I get the feeling that you can never let your guard down.  You can never relax and just flow because it’s a constant battle.  This is kinda depressing to think about too.  I really hope that I can look forward to a future where I don’t constantly obsess over food, good or bad for me as it may be, but I don’t think that’s going to be the case.  Wrapping my head around that fact is at least half of the battle.

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