A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

Relax March 31, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 11:35 am
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Just a quick check in to let everyone know how great vacation is!  Even though I’m in the town spring forgot, it’s still nice to be away from all the pressure of work and responsibilities.

Speaking of responsibilities, I did my weigh in today.  I’m down 4.4 lbs, which is incredible.  I made some really good choices on my road trip up here (it takes about 16 hours to drive), eating homemade chicken sandwiches on light bread and lots of veggie/fruit snacks.  Plus, my mom and I did some grocery shopping and I’ve been teaching her how to cook healthier (it’s such a weird role reversal).  I don’t know that I’m not going to eat some things I shouldn’t, but I’m just trying to get through each situation as it comes to me….I’ll let you know how well it works out for me when I get home!

Have fun everybody for the rest of the week and I’ll probably update again when I’m out of vacation mode!

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Vacation March 27, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:56 pm
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I’m leaving tomorrow morning (at four o’clock, joy!) for my vacation.  I’m driving to Thunder Bay with my mom and sister and then hanging out there for the week.

I’m still planning to do my weekly weigh in, they have WW up there, and I’m going to the gym with my mom while I’m “vacationing”.  I have a goal of maintaining my weight loss, but I don’t necessarily think that I’ll try to lose weight.  It’s always so hard on vacation!

Be good while I’m gone!

 

Mother of a Girl March 24, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 6:23 pm
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My weigh in today was great.  I lost 2.8 lbs, leaving me with only 0.2 lbs until my new iPod can be purchased. 

This week is going to be really hard.  My mom and sister are visiting from far away and whenever they come to town, they laughingly indulge in what they call “an eat-fest”.  Everyone knows how it is to return home.  There’s always stuff at home that you love (like Harvey’s) that you can’t get where you’re currently living.  Plus, my grandmother is reported to be an awesome cook (how can someone not be an awesome cook when they use half a pound of butter in everything…including tomato soup) and her home cooking is something they gorge themselves on while visiting.

Right now, as we speak (or type as it were) they are out at a local pub that has the best poutine this side of the Ottawa River.  I wanted to go so badly, but Tuesdays are taco nights and I didn’t want to waste the meat I had taken out of the freezer for my dinner (don’t tell me it would have kept overnight in the fridge, I only convinced myself not to go with them by telling myself that the meat had to be eaten TONIGHT).

I’m determined to be strong though.  I’ve armed myself with memories of how sick I used to feel after I binged and am trying to get through each stage of their visit by reminding myself of the iPod.  It’s so close!

 

No Sleep (‘Til Brooklyn) March 20, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 7:15 pm
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Today sucked.  I mean, SUUUUCKED.

For whatever reason, I could not fall asleep last night.  I laid there, all night long, practicing my subtraction.  “If I fall asleep RIGHT NOW, I will get four hours of sleep……If I fall asleep RIGHT NOW, I will get two and a half hours sleep” and so on, and so forth all night long.  I finally dozed off about fifteen minutes before my alarm went off.  Needless to say, I wasn’t impressed.

I swear to God, the only thing (the ONLY thing) that got me out of bed this morning was that I promised myself that tomorrow (being Saturday), I could sleep in as late as I wanted.  I also talked myself into doing my hour (!) on the treadmill with the same promise.  I’m such a Scarlett O’Hara when it comes to stuff like this.  Tomorrow is another day and all that bullshit.

Work was hell.  It was busy and I felt like I was jet-lagged.  I was confused and weary and all I wanted to do was put my head down on my desk and take a nap.  Worse, when I get tired, I get irrationally angry.  I’m well aware of the fact that I’m not actually enraged at someone singing my name in the kitchen, but instead am just tired.  However it is really hard to talk myself out of doing violence to people when I’m running on fifteen minutes sleep.

My boss left me alone to go and “play” (his words, I swear to God) in the warehouse.  I’m sure that he was doing something worthwhile and meaningful and all that jazz, but he was supposed to be training someone on something and since I sit closest to that person’s desk, guess who kept having to answer the same damn question over and over again?  If you guessed me, I’ll send you a cookie in the mail.  ME!!!!  The one who could barely put together a coherent sentence!  The one who lost her train of thought while she was on the phone with a customer and trailed off, leaving a silence of approximately twenty seconds before she realized that SHE was supposed to be the one talking!  ME!!!!

Didn’t they know (and they did, I’m not what you’d call a ‘suffer in silence’ kinda gal) that I was tired?  Didn’t they care that I felt bad and my legs hurt and my stomach was wonky?  Nope.  I emailed my best friend to complain about how uncaring and rude my employers were (expecting me to actually WORK at work!  How rude!) and she was very sweet in a suck-it-up-buttercup kinda way, which was exactly what I needed.  If someone feels sorry for me, it usually results in my feeling justified for the crap way I’m treating everyone around me and I also have a tendency to wallow.

At one point I thought about going home, and at lunch I seriously contemplated taking a nap on the couch in our lunchroom but I didn’t.  If I had’ve done either of those things I would be screwed when it came time to go to bed tonight.  I know my own body well enough to know that a funky sleep schedule can get MUCH worse when you poke it with a stick (and by stick, I mean nap).

I know this post isn’t about weight loss per se but I’m in too bad of a mood to care.

 

That’s What I Get March 17, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:09 pm
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I’m so close to my third goal everybody!  I lost 1.2 lbs this week for a grand total of 42 lbs.  That’s only three pounds away from my goal of 45 lbs lost and it’s only three pounds away from my beautiful shiny iPod that I’ve been coveting for months.

I made a deal with myself that I could reward myself everytime I hit one of my “mini-goals”, as long as the reward wasn’t food of any kind.  The first time I hit a goal, I bought myself a George Foreman grill.  The second time, I picked four books off my Chapters wish list and ordered them for myself.  These were both things that defied my budget, but I figured that the splurge was worth it cause I had worked damn hard!

My third goal gets me an iPod, which isn’t as extravagant as it sounds considering I have $150 in Best Buy gift cards that are going towards it.  My current iPod is a very old model (bought five years ago) so it’s ginormous and does some extremely wonky things these days.  I’ve been coveting a new model for about six months now so I figure it’s a good “reward” for hitting my goal.

Only three more pounds!  Very soon, tiny iPod, you will be mine!

 

Changes March 16, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:29 pm
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So as you know, I’m Canadian.  That means several things of course, but the most relevant thing (today at least) is that I will often insist that it is much warmer than it actually is.  I’m not alone in this, oh no.  It gets cold here in the winter.  Worse, it gets grey and bleak and it stays that way for a VERY long time.  There are days in January and February where I forget what it looks like when the sun shines.  Therefore, as soon as the weather breaks AT ALL (read: 10 degrees C or 50 degrees F) you will see people around here wearing shorts and/or sandals.  It’s kind of crazy, I agree.

We all know it’s March, but what you might not know is that it’s been unseasonably warm for March here in Toronto.  I saw people in shorts this weekend! 

So this morning, I decided that the sun was shining, the air felt warm, and I wasn’t wearing my winter jacket to work. 

I climbed into my car and lo and behold!  I HAVE lost weight!  I mean, I know I’ve lost weight, but somehow I still can’t really see it.  I can tell that my face is thinner and I can tell that my clothes fit loose but I don’t actually feel smaller.  However.  There is A LOT more room between me and the steering wheel.  I mean, A LOT.  I can see my lap!  Normally in the car I can only see my belly and then the steering wheel.  Not anymore!  I can see my legs and my feet (without contorting myself into a pretzel) and my thighs.  There’s a huge amount of space between my belly and the steering wheel.  And the seat belt has waaay more slack than it used to.

So, progress!  At last!

 

Fight the Power March 13, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 4:38 pm
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You know what I wish?  I wish that I could wake up one day and not think about food – for better or for worse.

I can never decide if I am addicted to food or not – I mean, I weigh almost 300 lbs, so you’d think it would be obvious that I am but I read stories or articles about people who have food addictions and while some stuff is familiar, I can’t really identify with their stories.

The real problem with figuring out if I’m a food addict or not is that I believe that one of the “symptoms” of food addiction is THINKING about food constantly.  This was never me….until I started losing weight.  My weight gain was a direct result of me NEVER thinking about food.  I just ate.  It tasted good?  Into my mouth it went!  It was easy, fast and I didn’t have to prepare it?  Down the hatch!

I really hate when people generalize and call fat people lazy because most aren’t and I certainly never considered myself to be lazy before but the truth is, I think I confused “active” with “lazy”. 

When someone gets called lazy cause they’re fat, it was always my assumption that the person was calling them lazy because they obviously put no effort into any kind of physical activity.  I always knew that wasn’t me.  Until I gained the last thirty pounds or so, I wasn’t any less active than most of my friends.  Sure, I wasn’t running marathons but I wasn’t slumped on the couch 24/7 either.

Now I think maybe it’s different.  I think I was lazy.  Laziness has many forms, and it’s not just about sitting on the couch (just like emotional eating isn’t just crying into a bucket of ice cream).  Laziness is eating at drive-thru restaurants 4-5 times a week.  Or not packing a lunch in the morning.  It can also be not caring about what you put in your body or how you treat it.  Laziness can be nothing more than general ennui about yourself and your well-being. 

But being so hyper-aware of what I’m doing food-wise is almost giving me the opposite problem!  I definitely think that I’d rather be too aware of my diet and exercise than not aware AT ALL, but still.  One day, I’m hoping I can be like Sarah from Labyrinth and declare to food that it “has no power over me”.  For better or for worse.