A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

Fight the Power March 13, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 4:38 pm

You know what I wish?  I wish that I could wake up one day and not think about food – for better or for worse.

I can never decide if I am addicted to food or not – I mean, I weigh almost 300 lbs, so you’d think it would be obvious that I am but I read stories or articles about people who have food addictions and while some stuff is familiar, I can’t really identify with their stories.

The real problem with figuring out if I’m a food addict or not is that I believe that one of the “symptoms” of food addiction is THINKING about food constantly.  This was never me….until I started losing weight.  My weight gain was a direct result of me NEVER thinking about food.  I just ate.  It tasted good?  Into my mouth it went!  It was easy, fast and I didn’t have to prepare it?  Down the hatch!

I really hate when people generalize and call fat people lazy because most aren’t and I certainly never considered myself to be lazy before but the truth is, I think I confused “active” with “lazy”. 

When someone gets called lazy cause they’re fat, it was always my assumption that the person was calling them lazy because they obviously put no effort into any kind of physical activity.  I always knew that wasn’t me.  Until I gained the last thirty pounds or so, I wasn’t any less active than most of my friends.  Sure, I wasn’t running marathons but I wasn’t slumped on the couch 24/7 either.

Now I think maybe it’s different.  I think I was lazy.  Laziness has many forms, and it’s not just about sitting on the couch (just like emotional eating isn’t just crying into a bucket of ice cream).  Laziness is eating at drive-thru restaurants 4-5 times a week.  Or not packing a lunch in the morning.  It can also be not caring about what you put in your body or how you treat it.  Laziness can be nothing more than general ennui about yourself and your well-being. 

But being so hyper-aware of what I’m doing food-wise is almost giving me the opposite problem!  I definitely think that I’d rather be too aware of my diet and exercise than not aware AT ALL, but still.  One day, I’m hoping I can be like Sarah from Labyrinth and declare to food that it “has no power over me”.  For better or for worse.




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