A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

Sweet Sixteen July 28, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 6:25 pm

Tuesday means weigh in!

I’m down 2.4 lbs this week which is awesome.  I feel like Stella!  (I got my groove back, get it?)  I know that soon (probably sooner than I would like), I’m going to have another off week, but for now I’m pretending it’s in the distant future.  I feel good!  The 230’s are tantalizingly close and I’m approaching the part where how much weight I want to lose is smaller than the amount I’ve already lost (also known as the halfway point, for the very slow).

Nothing is really new around here though.  I’m still doing the gym thing at the crack of dawn, I’m still eating my points faithfully and I am still eating basically the same stuff. 

I did buy some new clothes though!  Will wonders never cease?!  I’m a comfortable size 18 these days (down from a 28), and a tight 16.  I bought a pair of capris that were on a clearance rack in a 16 (for Vegas – still weeks away) and practically skipped to the checkout.  I’m sure the clerk had never seen anyone so happy to be a size 16 in their life.  It’s so weird to me too!  When I was going the other way (headed for the dark side, if you will), being a size 16 would have ruined my day.  Now?  I want to wear the tag on the OUTSIDE of my pants, just to show it off.

Good times!


Cold Turkey July 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 10:46 am

Why was I never told about turkey bacon?!

Holy crap, but that stuff is delicious.  I am not a bacon person – in fact, I haven’t had pork since I was 14 (it’s a long story and it involves my grandmother, a pork roast and Charlotte’s Web) – but this stuff is incredible!

Plus, at 25 calories and 1 gram of fat per serving, you can have two slices for 1 WW point!  This just gave Sunday breakfast a whole new chance to become my favourite meal of the week!


Photograph July 23, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 6:22 pm

I’ve put up some new pictures, as promised.  I can definitely see a difference from the last time I had them taken (33 lbs ago), including the fact that letting my bangs grow out was probably a mistake.  But what really struck me is how different I look from the first time I took official pictures (after I had lost 20 lbs)!  I had no idea I had changed so much!

Check it out:



20 lbs into this wacky adventure.









Lost 84 lbs


84 lbs gone!






And no, I’m not sure why the second pictures is tinier.  I’m sure it has something to do with the person taking the photos and how much zoom they used, but guess what?  As I’ve never personally owned a camera (it’s true!  Since I don’t like photographic evidence of what I look like, I’m not a huge fan of pictures – taking them, or being in them), I don’t tend to tell people how to use theirs!


Left Feeling Odd July 21, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 7:59 pm

I started writing this whole post that was a bit of a response to whatever the heck happened to me last Tuesday, but I’ve changed my mind.

It was awful and it took days to completely shake off.  Miserable days, filled with self-doubt and fatigue and I just don’t want to dwell on it anymore.  I’m done.  Whatever I was feeling, I’m going to chalk up to hormones and just plain having a moment, and move on.

So in that vein:  I lost 4.2 lbs this week.  Big week, a great catchup from the no loss of last week.  I’m feeling pretty awesome right now.  I hit a bunch of milestones this week as you can check out in the Lowdown page.  I’m no longer morbidly obese (just plain ol’ obese for me, yes sir!) and I now have less than 100 lbs to lose in order to hit my ultimate goal weight.  I’m still on track to hit my Vegas goal of 100 lbs – I have to lose 16 lbs in nine weeks in order to get there, certainly do-able!

I’m starting to get excited about Vegas, by the way!  I’m staying at the New York, NY hotel while I’m there and I plan on riding the roller coaster, something I would never have done 84 lbs ago.  I would have been afraid that I wouldn’t be able to do the safety harness up over my fat and then having everyone witness me getting off the ride because of said fat would have made me drop dead from shame.  I think I should fit with no problem though, as I’ve said before, I’m roughly at the same weight I was in high school and I rode on roller coasters then.  By the time Vegas rolls around, I’ll be smaller than I’ve been since I graduated.

I’m going to try to take some more progress pictures this week, as I’ve hit an even number (no decimal points in my total weight loss for once) and I’ll get them up before the weekend.


From Despair to Where July 15, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 6:31 am

I stayed exactly the same this week.  No loss, but no gain either.  No real surprise, this is my historical bad week – we’ll see what the scale does next week.

Yesterday was probably the worst day of this diet that I’ve ever had.  It’s the closest I’ve come to quitting or giving up.  I don’t know what was wrong with me, maybe it was the vicious headache that kept reappearing after the Advil had worn off, maybe it was this feeling of tiredness that wouldn’t go away.  I’m not sure what it was, but it was pervasive and threatening and it was all I could do just to get to the end of the day.

A few months after I started this, I began to wonder if I would ever feel “safe” when it came to food and the choices I would make.  If enough time would pass and decisions would be made where this would feel less like a “change” and more the way things are.

It turns out, I do feel better now.  Things like counting calories and making wise decisions regarding food have become second nature.  I don’t have thoughts of eating things I shouldn’t very often, and when I do they’re easily brushed away and forgotten.

Yesterday was like starting from scratch.  I just wanted to quit going to the gym, quit pushing myself to work out, quit trying to eat better and take care of myself.  I was just so tired and WORN OUT that the idea of getting up everyday for the rest of my life and fighting against my weight seemed overwhelming.  Worse, it seemed impossible.  I haven’t had a day like that in a very, very long time.

I skipped the gym yesterday morning, more due to the above-mentioned headache then the tiredness and I walked around yesterday feeling like I was in a fog.  I stayed for the Weight Watchers meeting, to try and give myself a boost to make it all the way home without going through a drive-thru.  When I finally made it to bed, I breathed a sigh of relief that the day was behind me and hoping that I would wake up ready to take this on again.

I did.  Thank God.


The Way You Make Me Feel July 7, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 5:36 pm

Praise the elliptical trainer, I lost 3.4 lbs this week.  I’m absolutely certain that that’s what gave me such a huge number.  I’ve ramped it up to 30 minutes every morning on that machine and then 30 minutes on the treadmill, still pushing myself to jog at intervals.  It feels pretty damn good to be able to do that.  I’m so proud of myself.  I’m also so sweaty and disgusting when I’m finished that it would be embarrassing if I cared (which I don’t). 

It’s interesting how much I used to hate sweating.  I mostly hated doing it in front of people; probably because I figured that sweating was the hallmark of a fat person and I didn’t want to draw any more attention than necessary to the fact that I’m fat.  Now that I know I’m working on it, I don’t care who sees me sweat.  I mean, I’m not saying it’s attractive or something I want to do in front of a visiting dignitary or anything.  It’s just that, I’m at the gym and  anyone who’s not sweating while at the gym is suspicious in my book.

In other news, I’m tantalizingly close to being regular old obese (as opposed to morbidly obese).  I know lots of people think that a BMI chart is not a true indicator of how healthy a person is, but for now it’s what I’m basing my goals and expectations on.  I haven’t been a healthy body weight since I was in the eighth grade (or thereabouts) so I’m just going to shoot for a healthy BMI and see how it goes.

Finally, I just wanted to throw my two cents in about a non-weight issue.  Michael Jackson was laid to rest today and I feel compelled to say something.  I was a huge Michael Jackson fan when I was a small child – I even performed a lip-synch in the school talent show when I was eight or nine, dressed in a red military jacket (with sequins), aviator sunglasses and one sparkly glove (I believe the song was ‘Bad’ although you’d have to confirm that with my mother).  I grew up with his music, in fact the very first album I ever bought with my own money was ‘Bad’.  I’m a music fanatic (in fact, all the entries in this blog are song titles), owning thousands of cd’s, but I still have that copy of ‘Bad’ on vinyl.  I think the man had his problems, I think he led a sad kind of life, but you cannot dispute his contributions to music.  I know for myself, I never would have become the obsessed audiophile that I am without his help.  I hope he finds the peace in death that eluded him in life.

Rest in peace Michael Jackson.


Goodnight, Travel Well July 3, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 11:36 am

I took the day off of work today!  I worked on Wednesday, which was Canada Day (like Independence Day, but with less blue – geddit?  Our colours are red and white….keep going, you’ll get there) so I had a lieu day to use up.

I’ve been very productive!  I went and sat in line to turn in my passport application.  Now that American Customs and Border Protection thinks that Canada is full of terrorists (I’m kidding!  Sort of…), you have to possess a passport to cross the border into the USA.  This has only been a requirement since June 1st of this year, so I never had to have one to buy cheap goods in Buffalo before.  I’m flying out of the aforementioned Buffalo when I go to Vegas in September, as it’s MUCH less expensive (think $300 less expensive) and had to either get a passport or get smuggled across in the trunk of someones car.

Passport it is!  The line was hellacious and crazy – I arrived fifteen minutes before the place opened and was still given ticket number 56!  But for once, the government did not have one person working a solitary wicket while a line formed and I managed to get in and out of there in about an hour (really, not that bad).  I should receive my passport in the mail in two weeks or so and then I shall be free to roam.

In keeping with the new life that I’m persuing, I’ve decided that fear of travel (or fear of being physically incapable of travel) is another thing to fall by the wayside.  I’m going to Vegas this year and I’m going to Europe NEXT year.  I have friends who live in England and they’re always bugging me to come visit, I figure I’ll hang out with them for a couple of days before I begin traipsing through other countries.  I’ve always wanted to travel extensivly and being overweight has always been the thing that kept me from doing so.  I’m not willing to put up with that anymore.