A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

Open Heart Surgery August 31, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 5:33 pm

I’m sitting here at work, waiting for a shipment to come in so I can get it cleared for entry into the United States.  I was supposed to leave about an hour ago, but here I am….waiting.  That is the worst part of my job….the waiting.

I went to see my surgeon on Wednesday and guess what?!  I get to have my gallbladder taken out!

Apparently, my weight loss is to blame.  I’ve been having these horrible stomach problems for about six months and I finally broke down and went to the doctor about them.  My doc sent me for an ultrasound, which uncovered the gallstones, prompting a referral to the surgeon. 

October 19th.  That’s when I’m having a (small) internal organ removed.  I wonder how this can be ok?  I mean, I know lots of people who are living very happy lives missing small pieces of themselves (gallbladders, appendixes, the tips of their fingers) but I’m still a bit wary of having something removed that was put in me for a purpose.

Whatever, I’m just being paranoid.  It’ll be fine, I’m sure.

It’s going to be done laparoscopically and I have to take two weeks off from work to recover (don’t get me started on my managers reactions to this – let’s just say it wasn’t pretty) and I should be as good as new, but without the grinding, stomach pressure that’s been plaguing me lately.

It might be pathetic, but I’m more worried about this gallbladder removal fucking with my weight loss than anything else.  I know, it’s superficial, but dammit!  I’ve worked really hard and I don’t want to be side tracked by a surgery!

Something I forgot to ask though: how long do you think it’ll be before I’m able to exercise again?  Three weeks?  Six weeks?


Plan A August 25, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 2:27 pm

I’m down 1.4 lbs this week.  Given the so-so eating I indulged in last week, I’ll take it!

Meanwhile, I have discovered a new breed of frozen meals for my lunches.  I think they’re the same ones the Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (Elaine, from Seinfeld) has been flogging on TV lately. Healthy Choice Steamers are awesome!  I ate the beef one with potatoes and green beans and was pretty stoked.  There isn’t very much variety on frozen meals here, unlike the USA.  You basically have a dozen varieties of Lean Cuisine and six or seven choices for Smart Ones and that’s it. 

I like frozen meals for lunch (even though they’re full of sodium) because they’re easy.  It’s not much more complicated than that.  Sometimes I try to bring leftovers, but I usually prepare meals that yield one serving so….there’s not much left over from my dinners.

Alas, I only bought one of these new frozen entrees because I was afraid they were going to be gross.  When I realized how good they were, I went back to stock up and Sobey’s was sold out!  None of the other grocery stores have gotten wise and started carrying them yet!

I need a plan….


I Didn’t Have the Nerve to Say No August 24, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 9:42 am

I’m so nervous about weighing in tomorrow.  This week has been a serious challenge to my healthy eating plans.

Tuesday I went to the baseball game.  I reserved lots of points for this, mostly because I was sitting in a Skybox and would have access to lots of delicious food.  I had a plan!  I was going to eat a hot dog (I love street meat so much) before going in, to make sure I wasn’t starving upon hitting the buffet of munchies upstairs.  Sure, hot dogs aren’t great for you, but since I hardly ever eat them (read: once a year), I figured it’s not that big of a deal.  Plus I counted the points for it.

I had my hot dog.  Then I got to the box and was able to ignore the pizza available, as well as the chicken wings.  I snacked on some celery and carrot sticks and helped myself to one veggie and cheese quesadilla.  I drank Coke Zero instead of beer and was just congratulating myself on my iron self control when….I spotted the cheese tray.

Now for those of you who don’t know me (read: all of you but one – hi Jacquie!), cheese is my weakness.  I love it.  I love it so much.  It really doesn’t matter what kind or variety it is, if it is fermented milk product (yum!), I’m going to want to eat it.

This cheese tray in question was friggin’ awesome.  It had really old cheddar, the kind that is so old it’s crumbling apart.  It had smoked gouda, soft Boursin, brie and a hunk of bleu cheese.  There was the appropriate fruits on the platter, as well as honey and an apple curry chutney.  I can’t even tell you how good it was (my mouth is watering as I type this).  My friend P and I were in awe and between the two of us, we devoured most of the cheese (although I really did try to eat the fruit first, to slow myself down).  I ate it, kinda felt guilty and then brushed it away.

First, this is a lifestyle change and I don’t eat a cheese tray every day.  This was a one time thing, an aberration!  I’m allowed to indulge every once in a while (moderation, don’t you know?) and I’ll be damned if I’m going to feel guilty about eating QUALITY food.  A McDonalds meal?  Sure, I’ll feel guilty about that, but this was CHEESE!!!!

I moved on.

The rest of the week was smoother.  Then Saturday I went shopping with some friends and bought something from Old Navy for the first time in my life.  Old Navy in the USA might sell plus-sizes, but they don’t here in the Great White North and I’ve never been able to fit in their largest sizes.  No more!  Sure what I bought was yoga pants, but still.  I was proud.

I celebrated this pride by having some gelato.  Not the worst thing in the world and I did count the points, but I was not happy to be eating something I hadn’t planned.

Again, I moved on.

Sunday.  Sunday was my company picnic.  I had pulled the food guy aside before hand and made sure that a veggie burger and whole wheat bun would be available to me.  It was delicious.  I avoided the mayonnaise based salads, and picked up a preportioned bag of chips, figuring at least I could count the points properly.  I was so pleased with myself.  Then I spotted my nemesis.

This girl I work with makes these things.  I have no idea what they’re called, but basically they are graham crackers covered in sugar, butter, almonds and sesame seeds.  They are like crack.  So buttery!  Not too sweet!  Just perfect!

I had four of them.  I estimated they were about two to three points a piece and had a salad for dinner. 

In conclusion, while I only went over my points on The Day of Cheese, I still feel like I made some crappy choices this week.  I managed to get all my workouts in this week though and I’m hoping that might have mitigated some of the worst offenses. 

We’ll see tomorrow, won’t we?


Half August 18, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 1:39 pm

I’m more than halfway there!!!!

When I started doing this thing called weight loss, I realized that I would have to lose 183 lbs in order to hit my goal and it seemed impossible.  It seemed obscene to think that I would ever be able to lose that much weight.

While I still have A WAYS to go, I know that it’s possible.  Today more than any other day I believe in my very core that I am going to do this.

I lost 2.8 lbs this week, catapulting myself over the halfway mark.  I feel like I’ve climbed a very steep mountain and am now getting to look down the other side.  Sure, it’s still tough to go down the mountain – sometimes it’s tougher than going up – but I know I can do it because I’ve already been able to accomplish so much.

I’m going to a baseball game tonight (Jays vs Red Sox for any baseball fans out there) and I’m sitting in a luxury box with my work crew.  I’ve been concerned about the ballpark food (and drink – I haven’t had a beer since December).  I’m still in the running for my Vegas goal and going to a food free-for-all is certainly not a good idea. 

This weigh in and the milestone it provided may help me behave myself.  I’ll let you know how it goes.


Walking Contradiction August 14, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:58 pm

When I arrived home from work, I discovered that the entrance to my street was completely blocked off – starting at the shopping centre on the corner.  I had to backtrack and detour, it took me twenty minutes to finally make it home, even though the point I got turned back at is only one minute from my front door.  Soooo frustrating.

When I made it home, I discovered that my grandmother had been released from the hospital and was waiting to greet me!  Yay!  Only, she wasn’t really waiting to “greet me”.  She was waiting for me to get home so I could go and fill her prescription for pain meds.  I sighed (internally, I’m not that big of a bitch, after all she was just released from the hospital) and climbed back into my car.  I crawled down the crowded back street, through two school zones and up the giant hill that my car always groans upon sighting.  When I finally hit the pharmacy, I did what I do best: complain.

I bitched and moaned to anyone who would listen about the mess of the roads and how awful it was to have to detour twenty minutes to get to a place AROUND THE CORNER from my house.  I even texted a couple friends with my saga (I’m really, really good at complaining – I can do it in several mediums).  Finally, as I was paying, the pharmacist mentioned that she would have just walked over if she lived so close.

I think my jaw literally hit the floor.

Walking over had never even occurred to me.  It’s less than two blocks but last summer, walking over would have killed me.  At the very least, it would have left me sweaty and breathless, with an ankle the size of a melon.

I think I’ve become so used to thinking of myself as a fat, out of shape person, with severe physical limitations that it never occurs to me that the above description isn’t really apt anymore.  I’m still fat, but dammit!  I work out! 

What’s the point of spending all that time in the gym if I can’t even hoof it over to the store when my grandmother needs some Tylenol 3’s?!  There ain’t much of one, I’ll tell you that!

When I arrived home and started cooking dinner, I realized I was out of part-skim mozarella cheese.  I walked my ass back over to the corner to buy it and felt as proud as a peacock.


Just Like Heaven August 11, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 3:14 pm

Tuesday weigh in is a doozy this week.  My stupid “I’m a woman” gain came a week early this month (bizarre, no?) so I really had no idea what to predict when I went in to WW this week.

But!  I lost 4.6 lbs!  Yay me!

This means a couple of things.  First, I hit my next goal of 90 lbs lost.  Second, I’m less than ten lbs away from my Vegas goal (five weeks to do it in – I’m getting nervous).  I’m also rapidly approaching the halfway mark to my goal weight.  I am pretty convinced the second half of the weight will be coming off much more slowly then the first half, but at least I will still be heading towards it.

In other news, my grandmother had her shoulder replaced yesterday.  I didn’t even know it was possible to do that!  I don’t know why hips and knees seemed so much more feasible, but they do to me.  I visited her last night, but she was still groggy from the anaesthetic and slept through my visit (it’s a shame too – how often do you get to use your shoulder-replacement comedy routine?  I had the nurses in stitches….get it?!).  

My grandmother’s surgery made me even more appreciative that I’m getting my weight under control now.  I may be able to minimize some of the damage being overweight has no doubt caused to my joints.  I know that my knees hurt far less today than they did eight months ago.  I no longer have to clutch the railing, bracing my body weight on my wrists and elbows (healthy!) when I go down a set of stairs.  I can descend looking (almost) graceful.  I’m sure this is good for both my knees and the aforementioned wrists and elbows!

Good joint health.  Not something I contemplate everyday, but it’s the thing I’m going to be grateful for while I’m driving my grandmother around for the next six weeks.


Willpower August 7, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:09 am

Skinny Sara posted this yesterday and it’s given me a lot to think about.

Basically, it boils down to the idea that willpower isn’t a trait that you’re born with; rather like a muscle, you have to develop it.

That makes me really glad actually!  In a weird way, it gives me hope.  I’ve always figured one of the reasons I got up to my highest weight was because I have no willpower.  And while that may have been true, if you believe the article Sara links to, it’s not anymore.  Every time I practice saying no to something like fast food or getting my (substantial) ass to the gym, I’m “working out” my willpower.

I figure this explains why I’ve never been able to make a diet lifestyle stick before.  As I’ve explained when I’ve talked about lifting weights, I like to see results NOW!  Not three months down the road!  I’ve always bitched and moaned about how hard it is to dig deep and find the will to keep going.  I had no idea that by putting my head down and just DOING IT, I would be making it easier on myself.

I wish I had’ve known this before.  Maybe it would have made a difference all the other times I tried to lose weight.

One thing that’s been plaguing me for the last six months or so is this:  why didn’t I do this sooner?  It’s not like it was any harder back then?  I know I still have a long way to go and it won’t be easy, but at least I’m doing SOMETHING.  I could have taken my fate into my own hands anytime in the last ten years.

Why didn’t I?