A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

Surprise September 29, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 4:08 pm

I had my weigh in……

I’m down!  I’m down 0.6 lbs, but still!  A loss is a loss – especially coming after the week I had in Vegas.  I’m seriously glad that I walked the miles that I did, and I’m glad I restrained myself from trying to eat my way across the Strip.  Coming back from vacation and having a weight LOSS makes it all worth it.  Plus, I had a great trip!  I didn’t feel deprived once the entire time I was there.

I haven’t forgotten to post pictures from my trip – I just haven’t had time yet.  In a bizarre twist of fate, my sister managed to take pictures of almost every meal we ate while away.  Food obsession runs deep in our family, even if she is a skinny bitch wench.  It’s not her fault though – she’s on medication that makes it really hard for her to keep weight on.

On another topic, my gall bladder comes out in about three weeks and I cannot friggin’ wait.  One more day of regretting having put food in my mouth, and I’ll remove it myself with a spoon.  At this point, even eating a piece of fruit (or some grapes like I just did) is causing me to want to cry.

October 19th can not come soon enough.


Too Much Food September 27, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 4:45 pm

I’m back!

I updated my stats.  I weighed in at WW in Las Vegas and was down 5.4 lbs this week.  I’m not celebrating too hard because I’m sure it’s going to bounce back up this week.  For now, I’m enjoying it.

I mentioned having a plan and I did do my very best to stick to it, however life is life and Vegas is full of food and booze.  Once I got there, I added an amendment to my plan.  I was allowed to eat QUALITY food, not just stuff myself with mass quantities of junk.  It really did help me in that I don’t regret a single mouthful I ate while away.

Let’s recap the eating, shall we?

On the day of travel from Toronto to Vegas (via Buffalo and Atlanta), I did awesome.  I packed snacks and ate well during the travel.  When I got to Vegas I calculated that I had 18 points left for the day and had a sandwich with some salad for dinner.  I did not join my sister and mom when they arrived and ate at midnight.  Score: 1/1

Monday (my birthday), I had oatmeal and fruit salad for breakfast/lunch.  Walked TONS – going from hotel to hotel, seeing the shark reef at Mandalay Bay, solving a crime CSI style and watching an episode of the Good Wife and rating it for CBS television.  Dinner was my birthday blowout at the Mesa Grill (owned by Bobby Flay).  I shared a goat’s cheese appetizer with my mom and sister, ordered the sixteen spice chicken with pesto mashed potatoes and had some kind of blackberry pastry thing for dessert.  I only had one drink with my meal and I’m pretty proud of myself for that.  Score: 1.5/2

Tuesday, I did my weigh in and then had oatmeal, toast and fruit at the Rainforest Cafe.  Saw the lions at the MGM Grand and commenced with the walking.  We toured the M&M store and the Coke store.  Walked and walked and walked.  We ended up at the brand new Hard Rock Cafe where I split a plate of nachos (my nemesis) with my mom and sister and had a couple of drinks.  Then we went to the Paris hotel and rode up the Eiffel Tower and watched the fountains at the Bellagio go off.  Walked and walked and walked some more. Score: 2/3.

Wednesday we went to Denny’s where I’m pretty sure I saw Rhianna.  I had scrambled egg whites, chicken sausage, fruit and hash browns (oops).  We bought tickets for a show and then commenced with the walking.  We went up the strip, stopping at Paris again, going through the Flamingo and Planet Hollywood.  We stopped around 3 pm and had a margarita (raspberry – so good) at Margaritaville….along with the best nachos I’ve ever eaten.  We walked to the Wynn and gaped at the luxury.  Eventually we crossed the street and stopped at Treasure Island to take a cab back to our hotel.  Where we had a nap.  I know, I’m 28 years old and I napped in Vegas, but we were tired and we had tickets to see a show!  We wanted to be refreshed to enjoy it!  When we woke up, we got dressed, ate a soft pretzel and rushed across the street to see KA.  Seriously, if you are in Vegas you must see this show.  It’s a Cirque du Soleil production and I really can’t say enough good things about it.  Visit the link and see how amazing it looks for yourself.  After the show, we sat on the patio at our hotel’s Irish pub and drank far too much.  Score: 2.5/4.

Thursday was kind of a disaster.  We took a cab to Caesars because my mom’s feet were blistered and had brunch at the Cheesecake Factory.  My sister had been dying to eat there since we landed and I didn’t feel like I could say no.  I also could have made some better choices.  I ate a hamburger and some fries and then ordered a piece of key lime cheesecake.  We walked around some more, visiting Treasure Island again and walking through Fashion Show mall.  Then my mom and I got in a huge fight and I left her and my sister and started walking back to the hotel.  I thought I was going to die.  It’s so frigging hot in Vegas and the sun was beating down on me.  I eventually made it back to the hotel and layed down in a dark room to quietly expire.  My mom and sister showed up and  my mom apologized for being a huge bitch (which she was) and we got dressed to go out to dinner.  Somehow we ended up at the Venetian, eating at Emeril Lagasse’s steakhouse (Delmonico).  I ate the best crab cake I’ve ever eaten (also, the only crab cake I’ve ever eaten) and some steak, mashed potatoes and asparagus.  It was awesome.  It was also insanely expensive.  We then took a cab to Freemont street and saw the light show.  Score: 2.5/5

Overall, I did ok.  It could have been worse, it could have been better but through it all, I think I really loved everything I ate (with the exception maybe of the burger at the Cheesecake Factory).  I know I’ll gain some weight this week when I weigh in, but I’m cool with that.  I’m not planning to eat like this every day, I was on vacation and I refuse to regret it.  I also give myself credit because I really wanted to eat at Fatburger AND In and Out Burger, but I didn’t.  I’ve been tracking and eating within my points since my return and will be just fine.  I’ll post some pictures from Vegas sometime this week, as I let people take my picture for the first time in years on this trip.


Queen of Las Vegas September 18, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 2:00 pm

I’m leaving for Las Vegas on Sunday!!

It’s been almost six months since I started planning this trip – mostly because I require that much time to scrape up the funds for stuff like this – and I can’t believe it’s almost here!

I’m nervous about going, food-wise.

I know that I’m on vacation and I know that I deserve a “break” from counting calories, but since this is a lifestyle change rather than a diet, I don’t feel like going away and having a food free for all.  That’s not a lifestyle I really want to cultivate.  I don’t want to be one of those people who come back from vacation and find I can’t get my jeans on.

Therefore, like everything else, I’ve got a plan.  I really believe the only way to succeed at this lifestyle change thing is to always be prepared, just like a Girl Guide (or Scout for my readers from south of the border) and to have a plan.

The plan is thus:

Watch what I’m eating.  No going overboard.  Fruit, egg white omelets (if I can find them), cereal with skim milk for breakfasts.  Lunch should be salads, soups or sandwiches.  Drink lots of water throughout the day.  TRY to avoid alcohol as much as possible.  Eat a SENSIBLE dinner – avoid bad stuff like fried foods and tons of cheese. 

I found a Weight Watchers close to the Vegas strip and I’m determined to do my weigh in on Tuesday like normal.  I think it will help me keep on track.

I’m going to have a really great birthday dinner though.  I made reservations at Mesa Grill and I plan to have an appetizer AND dessert!  It only comes around once a year so I figure it’s worth it.

My hotel has a gym but I think I’ll be too busy to use it.  I’m counting on walking tons every day while sightseeing and I’m hoping that will be enough exercise, in combination with sensible eating, to prevent a massive weight gain.  I’m willing to fluctuate up a bit, but I really don’t want to gain more than five pounds while I’m away.  I don’t think it would be so hard to gain a pound a day in a place called Sin City.

I have no idea what internet access will be available to me while I’m there and I’m not taking my laptop.  I’m looking forward to having an “unplugged” vacation.  If I spot a cafe, I’ll try to check in on Tuesday with my WW results.  Otherwise, I’ll talk at you next Saturday!


Everything Zen September 15, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:21 pm

I stayed exactly the same this week, which is cool.  I had a huge loss last week and this week is also the week where I usually gain a bit.  I went to my weigh in expecting a small gain, so staying the same is a win in my books.

I have developed a small, plague-like cold this week.  I skipped the gym yesterday and today because I feel like death warmed over and I don’t think the people who use the equipment after me would appreciate all my cold germs being passed on to them.  I’m taking Buckley’s cold medicine every six hours and hope to feel better by the weekend as I absolutely cannot take any time off from work because I need all my sick time to recover from my gall bladder surgery in October.

In other news, The Biggest Loser started tonight!  I love it!  It gives me a chance to watch other people work themselves into the grave whilst I eat.  Nothing makes me hungrier than watching other people work out.  I have to budget points for Tuesday nights so I can have a snack while TBL is on (tonight it was some baked Lays and honeydew melon – yum!).

What else?

Oh yeah, my mom sent me a present in the mail!  I live VERY far away from my mom and sister and I haven’t seen them since March.  I’ve been updating them on my weight loss progress and they are part of my cheering squad.  My mom apparently bought something for me months ago, knowing that she would send it to me when I reached my first big goal.  She sent me a very pretty white gold necklace with a little diamond in the centre (it looks like this).  It was so sweet of her, I could barely believe my eyes when I opened the envelope.

I’m leaving on vacation on Sunday but I’ll post again before that.  In the meantime, have a great week everyone!


All You Need is Me September 11, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 12:29 pm

This blog has gotten quite a bit more traffic recently than it used to.  I was fooling around with some stuff last night and I realized that my “About Me” page was TERRIBLE.  I think I filled in some crap just to fill it up when I started this blog and then never got back to it.  Oops.

So it’s updated a bit.  Just for fun – here’s what it now says:

My name is Tara and I’m a 28 year old woman living near Toronto Canada.  I dispatch trucks for a living (sexy!) and I also work part-time at a bookstore, cause I love to read.  I started this blog in order to help me lose weight.

I was born in 1981 in a suburb of Toronto that has now become so expensive I can no longer afford to live there.  I was a very large baby – weighing in at almost ten pounds – but then my mother accidentally starved me (it’s a long story and it involves her being young, stupid, and unknowlegdable about breast feeding….man, she’ll kill me if she ever reads this) for six weeks and I became a normal sized baby.

I spent my early childhood as this tiny creature.  I was the smallest in my grade most of the time.  That started to change around the time I hit puberty.

I don’t believe I could have been called “fat”, but certain relatives made me feel like a marshmallow with legs.  My lovely, well-meaning grandmother in particular used to ride me about my weight like she had her eye on winning the Kentucky Derby.  She was constantly egging my mother into enrolling me in physical activity, some of which were horrible (softball *shudder*) and some of which were even worse (tae kwon do – although the black belt sometimes impresses people if I bring it up, which I don’t).

These things made me feel even worse.  Combined with a falling out with my father and some other typically teenage nonsense, I began to pack on the pounds.  By the time I graduated from high school, I was wearing a size 18 and weighed in the neighbourhood of 240 lbs (I have no evidence of this, for I never weighed myself).  I did not go to prom as I was unable to find a single dress that had sleeves on it and did not look appropriate for a mother of the bride.

Anyway.  Things got worse from there.  I continued to gain weight, feeling worse and worse about myself.  I joined Weight Watchers at least three times, managing to lose up to 15 lbs once.  I also tried all the fad diets out there and every single time I would fail. 

Eventually it got to the point where I was watching shows about housebound obese people and not only would I feel bad for them, but I was starting to see myself in them.  Starting to see how it’s easy to get there, one bite of food at a time.

I made a change.  I decided that I wanted to have a life, instead of watching other peoples fake lives on tv.  I wanted to have all the things I dreamed about (travel!  cute clothes! the ability to walk around the block!) and this time was going to be different.

It has been.  I’ve still got a long way to go, and I always will.  I don’t think this is a battle that can ever be won – it’s one of those fights I’ll be fighting for the rest of my life.  But it’s a fight I’m determined to win and one that I deserve to win.

How I’m doing it:

“Diet” Program: Weight Watchers – I follow the Flex Plan, counting points instead of calories.  I stay for meetings when I can. 

Exercise:  I get lots – I take Zumba, which is awesome!  I also take Body Pump once a week for strength training and I hit the gym three-four mornings a week for 30 minutes of the elliptical trainer, followed by 30 mins of interval jogging on the treadmill.  It sounds like a lot because it is.  Remember though, I started just walking on a treadmill for 10 minutes a morning and was shocked I could manage that much.

This blog has also been something of a savior.  Sometimes, while composing posts in my head, I figure out how I feel about something and why I feel that way.  I reccommend blogging or journalling to anyone trying to lose weight.


Awesome September 8, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 11:25 pm

Do you know what I did today?  DO YOU?!  HUH?!

Today was the day I went to Weight Watchers and lost over 100 lbs.  101.6 to be exact.  I mean, sure, I didn’t do all of that work TODAY, but I felt the weight (ha!) of all of my hard work when I stepped on the scale this afternoon and saw the results.  I lost 4.6 lbs this week and bounced myself over the 100 lb mark.

At my meeting, Jill (the best WW leader in history – argue with me all you like about how yours is good, mine is GREAT) kept asking me how it felt to have lost 100 lbs and I couldn’t describe it.  I still can’t.  I think maybe it’s a bit like giving birth.  You do all this hard work, push and push and push and then all of a sudden, BOOM.  All those tears, all that effort and all that SWEAT has given you something really awesome.  Something to be proud of and something to point at and say, “I did that”.  Giving birth and losing weight are also similar in that your body is never the same and you have a lot of stretch marks. 

For fun, I figured I’d tell you all about how great and crazy Jill is.  Someone else was weighing me in and Jill came over to watch – she knew I was close to a big landmark and even suggested I go pee before they weighed me.  I laughed and then the number came up.  For the first time, I craned my neck to see over the counter.  I saw the first three digits were 226 and knew I had done it.  Jill came busting around the counter and grabbed me by my shoulders.  She started screaming and jumping and before I knew it, the two of us were hugging, leaping in circles, screaming, laughing and crying, all at once.  It lasted about a minute and every person in that building was staring at us.  She stood there and hugged me while I sobbed.  That’s why she’s the greatest WW leader in history.

This weight loss thing has been very emotional for me.  I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve confessed to crying on this blog.  GAINING all this weight was like losing myself a piece at a time and every pound I take off feels like one more piece of myself I’m taking BACK.

Tonight was awesome.  I went to an extra Zumba class and sweated with a grin on my face.  Nothing can stop me from taking back my life.  Nothing at all.


Sixteen September 1, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 9:03 pm

I was prepared for my quarterly week of crap on the scale this week, but it was not to be.  I lost 2.2 lbs!

In other news, I went shopping last night to look for a fancy outfit to wear to my birthday dinner and lo!  Behold!  I am now a size 16!!  I was a size 18 about three weeks ago, but it was a VERY comfortable 18.  I guess I wasn’t that far away from the next size down because my brand new skirt and dress pants are both a size 16!!!

I had a little breakdown in the dressing room.  I don’t know why, there was just something really emotional about the situation.  I feel like I finally am starting to look “normal” instead of fat.  I mean, I’m a size 16 and I still weigh over 200 lbs, but I feel like now I’m “normal” fat.  For so long, I felt like I was something that people stared at and that I stuck out in a crowd because I was some kind of waddling freak.  Now, while I’m still fat, I feel like I’m the kind of fat that other people are.

That’s so stupid, but that’s how I feel.  I feel like now I’m in the realm of other people and their weight problems.  Before, I felt like I was bigger and fatter than anyone else I would encounter…..the kind of person that fat people look at and breathe a sigh of relief that at least they’re not THAT big.

Cause I’ve done that.  Even when I was at my biggest, I would see people who were bigger than me (it was rare, but it did happen) and think that at least I wasn’t as bad off as they were.  It’s wrong and judgemental, but that’s what makes me human.  I would never have voiced those opinions out loud, nor would I have treated people any differently based on their size, but I’m not sure that makes me any better than the people that would use me as their “at least”.  If I knew people were doing it to me, I’m sure the people I was doing it to were also aware.

I know that the chances of any of them reading this are remote, but for what it’s worth: I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.  It sounds like a cliched break up, but it wasn’t really about you.  This?  Was all me.