A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

This Is Such a Pity October 27, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 5:51 pm

Hello blogland.  Long time no see.

Dude, I can’t even talk about how crappy this gall bladder thing has been.  First, there’s the pain of recovering from surgery.  Did I ever mention that I’m a stomach sleeper?  Did I ever mention that I’m a horrible, crappy, insomniac sleeper?  And that any change or deviation from my routine or sleep pattern results in my feeling like a zombie for weeks or months?

Yeah.  That’s me.  I have a very specific sleep routine and if it’s altered in any way, forget it.  I’m not going to sleep.  I’m actually dreading the day I get into a long-term relationship and I can’t sleep by myself at least every other night.  Not being able to sleep on my stomach means that I have not been sleeping since I stopped taking the pain killers, which I stopped taking after I realized they were making me stupid.

Then there is the joy of my body trying to figure out how to function without one of its organs.  I’m warning anyone who’s still reading that this is going to be Too Much Information, so if you keep reading it’s your own fault.

Everything goes right through me.  And I mean RIGHT THROUGH ME.  About fifteen minutes after I eat ANYTHING, I have to make a dash for the toilet.  Then I have a couple of hours where it sounds like a prison break is being attempted in my guts.  My stomach gurgles and twists and moans and practically does the hokey-pokey before it finally settles back down.  It’s entertaining for everyone that isn’t me and it scares the crap out of my dog (of course it does, he’s a coward).

With that in mind, I did go to weigh in today.  I put on real clothes for the first time yesterday and decided I could drive myself around.  It took me ten minutes to get back out of my car, but whatever.

I lost 10.8 lbs this week.  If you believe that, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you.  It’s in Brooklyn and it’s a humdinger.

I don’t believe this number.  I’m sure as soon as my body figures out how to eat food again, it will pop back up.  I’m drinking water and diet ginger ale like there’s no tomorrow to make sure I don’t get dehydrated, but I’m sure I’m dehydrated anyway.  Believe me, no one experiencing this much diarrhea could possibly be hydrated enough.

For now, I’m just going to ignore my weight and concentrate on getting better.  This weekend I accidentally ripped open part of my incision (in my sleep!  I did it in my sleep when I attempted to flip onto my stomach.  I woke up with a searing pain that had me crying) and it got infected. 

It’s laugh or cry up in here folks.  I’m already pooping all the time, and providing my own sound effects everywhere I go and now my belly button is leaking something nasty.  Here’s to the antibiotics kicking in soon!


I’m So Tired October 20, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 6:13 pm

I’m home and I’m doing ok.  I’m pretty sore and really tired so I’ll make this post quick.

I was weighed at the hospital before my surgery and was down 3.2 lbs to 216 lbs.  When I weighed in at WW today (man, did going there ever take it out of me!), I stayed the same as from last week.  I know that will go away as it’s really just the swelling and fluid buildup.

Thanks for the well wishes on my last post!  I really appreciate it.  I’ll try to post again soon, once I’m feeling a bit less tired.


Until We Meet Again October 18, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 9:51 pm

Just a quick note to say that I’m having my gall bladder removed tomorrow.  I’m going to weigh myself in the morning (on a Monday!  Quelle scandal!) because my WW leader told me she gained 14 pounds after having the same surgery.  It’s just temporary and all fluid so it goes away, but I’d still like some idea of how I did this week.  Hence, I’ll weigh my own self tomorrow and then try to make it to my WW meeting on Tuesday for an official weigh in.

I’ll post both the results on Tuesday.  Wish me luck!


Doctor, Doctor October 16, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 2:54 pm

I had my annual physical yesterday.  A few things have changed since last October and for the first time in my life I wasn’t DREADING the experience (I wasn’t looking forward to it either – hello, stirrups!).

Last year, I was so overweight that the scale in my doctor’s office couldn’t weigh me.  It’s capacity was *only* 300 lbs, so my doctor just wrote “over 300 lbs” on my chart and left it at that.  I remember seeing that and feeling horrible about myself.  The words “MORBIDLY OBESE” seemed to jump off the page at me, screaming out how far I’d let my life get away.  I cried all the way home (stopping at a drive thru to grab lunch though).  The part that bothered me most was the most insignificant in the grand scheme of things – the paper gown they make you wear barely squeezed onto my upper arms and didn’t come close to closing at the back.  For some reason, that was the most humiliating part of a pretty embarrassing experience.

This time?  Totally different.  My blood pressure (which has always been pretty low) averaged 106 over 68 and my resting pulse rate was 50 BPM.  My doctor couldn’t believe that – she took it three times to make sure.  She told me that only athletes have a resting pulse that low, leading me to crow with delight (in my head – I’m not THAT crazy)!  It’s the first time I’ve ever had anything in common with an athlete except a tendency to carb-load.  Apparently it IS possible to be both fat AND fit!  Woo!  She even wrote that my BMI is “an extremely healthy 35”.  I guess to show that even though it’s still too high, she’s not too concerned.

It was one of the best doctors visits I’ve ever had (stirrups included).

She also reassured me that I won’t have giant boobs forever.  I didn’t mention this before, but I recently went bra shopping and was horrified to discover that, although I’ve lost more than 8 inches in my band size, I’m EXACTLY THE SAME CUP SIZE!!  That’s right!  My boobs are giant!  I’m a 38F these days – which is insane!  No one gets that narrow, while staying that full!  The lady at the store told me that if I get down to a 34 (which is possible, I still have back fat and 75 lbs to lose), my bras will have to be special ordered.  Gah.  I’m so terrified I’m going to end up looking like a Jessica!  Simpson or Rabbit, either one is no good!

Anyway.  My doctor told me that when I get to within ten to fifteen pounds of my goal weight, come and see her.  If my boobs are still that large, she’ll send me to have a reduction and lift.  Apparently, it’s not just an aesthetic problem, it will also affect my back, shoulders and neck and therefore it will be medically necessary.  Medically necessary = paid for by government health care.

So there you go – another first for me.  A doctors visit that didn’t end in tears/rage.


Dawn of the Dead October 13, 2009

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 2:52 pm

Tuesday weigh in: down 0.4 lbs.  Ho-hum.  I’m trying to remain both positive and realistic.  A loss is a loss.  It’s my “heavy” week of the month.  I’m glad to have lost ANYTHING considering the Thanksgiving dinner I indulged in on Sunday.  Blah, blah, blah.  It’s still a kinda crummy feeling to have three small-ish weeks in a row.

I know that some of the food (hello, Apple Pie) contributed to a smaller week, but I’ll let you in on a secret.  I don’t go to the gym when I have my period.  It’s not the “exercising” per se, it’s more the “showering publically” thing.  I don’t like to do it and since my period is extremely short (think three days, max) I don’t really stress about it too much when I miss the gym for a few days a month.  Except this month apparently.

It’s like everything CONSPIRED AGAINST ME THIS WEEK!!!

Or, that’s what I would say if I was crazy!

In reality, I’m cool.  I’m moving on.

Hence – the rest of this post will have nothing to do with weight loss!

Halloween, my favourite holiday, is right around the corner. Mama Bear June mentioned the other day that she was going to see Paranormal Activities and it got me reminiscing about how much I love (LOVE) scary movies.  Here are my three favourite:

1. Black Christmas – the original.  The scene that gets me every time is the picture of one of the sorority girls sitting in the rocking chair in the attic, plastic bag wrapped around her face….and the killer singing.  It gives me chills.  Fun fact?  The guy who directed this also directed ‘A Christmas Story’ (you know, the one with the BB Gun).

2. The Exorcist – true story – I haven’t seen this movie in YEARS.  I was in the kitchen and the theme music started to play out of the tv in the living room and I instantly felt afraid.  I couldn’t figure out why a chill ran up my spine….and then I realized.  This movie scared me so badly that I recognized the music five years later and instantly felt afraid.  This is the first movie that I watched and then slept with the lights on. 

3. Dawn of the Dead – again, the original.  I love zombie movies.  LOVE!  I will see any of them (even the crappy I Am Legend, cause a friend mentioned it had zombies in it, what a disappointment) and I will see them multiple times.  This one was the very first one I ever saw and it whet my appetite (heh) for the zombie genre.  And before you ask, I prefer slow zombies to fast ones.


Thank You October 12, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:13 am

Happy Thanksgiving to all the readers in Canada!

I had my turkey dinner last night.  There was turkey of course.  There was also green beans, a small amount of mashed potatoes, some coleslaw, quite a bit of stuffing (my favourite!) and pie.

Oh, God.  The pie.  It was apple, served warm and topped with some vanilla ice cream.  Mmmmm.

I’m not going to apologize for it.  I had twenty points to spend, after having only zero point soup and an apple for lunch and after I did some calculations, my meal cost me 25 points.  BUT!  I had gone to the gym in the morning in preparation for the gluttonous feast.  Basically, I ended up going over my points for the day by 1.  For a nationally recognized day of feasting, I’ll take it!


Honest October 9, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 12:10 pm




Newbierunner was so kind and awarded me the Honest Scrap award.  I’ll be honest, I was really excited to receive it – and not just because I’ve never gotten an award before!

So the rules of this award are that I have to share 10 things about myself that people don’t know.  By people, I’m assuming you mean internet people, because I’m sure a few of my friends might know some of these little tidbits.

Here goes:

1.  I have an excellent singing voice (if I do say so myself).  I can belt right along with most singers and I’m rarely off key.  However, I suffer from extreme shyness when it comes to letting anyone actually HEAR me sing and  it’s mostly my windshield that gets to enjoy the pleasure of my voice.

2.  I get a secret thrill every time a new month starts and the list of my archives gets longer.  It just seems like a sign of success, like shouting “I’m still here!  I’m still fighting the good fight!”.  It makes me happy and proud EVERY SINGLE MONTH.

3.  I have a Miley Cyrus song on my iPod.  I have deep, deep shame surrounding this and I apologize to music fans everywhere.

4.  I may actually have the world’s ugliest feet.  They’re really fat and wide, but super small at the same time (which makes buying shoes a treat!).  The toes possess the merest sliver of nail and the middle toes are deformed on both feet and they almost look like they’re on sideways.  Needless to say, I don’t wear sandals very often.

5.  Even though I’m (recently) 28 years old, I still get horrid crushes on celebrities.  It’s actually ridiculous.  I feel stupid even telling all of you this.  It’s even worse because my current obsession is on a FUCKING CW SHOW.  The horror.  The horror.

6.  This one is not necessarily a secret, but most of you readers will not know that my sister Caitlyn had a liver transplant four years ago this December.  She was 17 at the time and, contrary to what you see on Grey’s Anatomy or House, life doesn’t return to normal afterwards.  It’s been four years of ups and downs, hospital visits and doctors appts.  She mostly does ok, in fact these last four months have been the best she’s felt since the surgery, but sometimes life is harder for her than other people.  It’s not fair but that’s her reality now and she does an awesome job of keeping on.

7.  My sister is my own personal hero – even though she’s seven years younger than me and terrified of confrontation with my mother, leaving me to fight those battles for her.  I figure it’s the least I can do for her, especially considering I live 850 miles from my mother and my sister lives around the corner from her.

8.  I have a chicken-shit dog.  The list of things he’s afraid of include (but are not limited to): thunderstorms, the staircase leading to our second floor, ceramic tile floors, the window covering in our bathroom, the hall leading from the kitchen to the front door, walking head first from the kitchen to the dining room (he always turns around and backs his way in), other dogs, other cats, the mice that invaded our garden shed, grapes, his leash, rolled up newspapers, the children who live next door to us (but not any other children) and HIS OWN FLATULENCE.  I sincerely wish I was making this up.  He’s not a small dog either (he’s a yellow lab/golden retriever mix), weighing about 65 lbs.  When you walk him, he cowers in terror every time you cross the path of another dog and it’s embarrassing, especially when it’s that stupid Multi-Poo  that lives down the street.  This usually has me yelling at him that “YOU COULD EAT THAT LITTLE THING!  WHY ARE YOU AFRAID OF HIM?!”  It’s humiliating.

9.  I talk to my dog like he understands me.  I do it all the time.  Sometimes, my grandmother asks me who I’m talking to and when I tell her I’m talking to the dog, there’s this long pause.  Then I realize that it might not be normal.  But I swear, he gets this look in his eyes sometimes…..it’s like he’s listening to me.  Or he’s eyeing the big hunk of cheese I’m holding in my hand during our “conversations”.  You know, whatever.

10.  I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids – not because I don’t like kids (although I really don’t), because I’m sure I would love my own.  It’s mostly because sometimes I hear my mother coming out of my mouth and I’m powerless to stop it.  The idea of screwing up a kid the way she screwed me up is terrifying in the extreme.  I think of how much I’m like her and I can feel my ovaries issue a stop-work order.  I think I’m better off sticking to dogs and cats.

So there you go!  Some weird facts about me that might have been a surprise.

I have to tag ten other people to receive this and they are:

Nicole @ The Forthright Fattie

Chubrubb @ The Chub Fight

KK @ Running Through Life

Fat Girl @ The 391

Chibi @ One Fine Neurotic Mess

Janet @ Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat

Lisa @ In Weigh Over My Head

Mary @ A Merry Life

Amos @ Amos the Lionheart

Jenn @ Watch My Butt Shrink

These are all blogs I read on a regular basis and they’re all great!