A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

Ridiculous Thoughts January 26, 2010

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 7:58 pm

I’m down 1.8 lbs this week.  I’m starting to freak out a little bit about the prospect of maintenance.  Like, really freak out.  I’m trying not to think about it yet, so in that vein:

Tonight at WW, we talked about emotional eating vs. eating for hunger and our leader asked how we can tell when we’re full.  There was extremely loud silence following her question.  Eventually, I put up my hand and answered “when my plate is empty, I’m done eating”. 

This is true for me.  I cannot tell when I’m full.  Or rather, I can tell when I’m full, but I have no problem with continuing eating well past that point.  Even now, 20 minutes after dinner, I could keep eating.  I mean, I had a wonderful dinner (turkey enchilada casserole) with salad and then had some fruit for dessert.  It was filling and satisfying and all that wonderful stuff.  But?  I could eat more.

Sometimes, I even eat past the point of comfort, like I did on Christmas Day.  It’s like a compulsion.  I just keep putting the food in my mouth for the few seconds that it lingers there, tasting like heaven.   I end up feeling gross and uncomfortable, but I know I would do it again.  I think vomiting might be the only thing that would make me stop, but I might be wrong.  Maybe I would just feel excited to have room to eat all the delicious stuff again.  I’ve never had this happen so I’m not speaking from experience, but….I have a scary feeling it’s true.

What makes me even sadder is that I realized on New Years Eve that the worse food is for me, the faster I eat it.  Like I’m afraid someone is going to take it from me at any second.  I even sort of resent other people sharing it with me, I jealously watch how much they take to make sure I get enough.

I wasn’t starved as a child, I’ve never gone hungry, and yet here I sit.  I obviously have some issues with food. 

How about any of you?  Is any of this sounding at all familiar?


11 Responses to “Ridiculous Thoughts”

  1. Janet Says:

    Oh yes, it totally all sounds familiar. I have that thing about not wanting to share because the other person might take too much. I know I ate a lot with my first husband because I knew he’d finish something and I wouldn’t get “my share.”

    I kind of did have “not enough” as a child though, sometimes, so maybe that’s where it comes from? Hard to say.

  2. Kayla Says:

    You are not alone. I definitely have issues with food. I HATE sharing, but I will do it so I wont look like the fat girl who wants all the food to herself. I will share with you but in my head I am thinking “you reach in my plate you will pull back a nub” LOL.

    I love food, I love cooking it, eating it, talking about it, and even watching it on television. You don’t get to be overweight without having some sick, perverse relationship with food. Mine just happen to be obsession and compulsion.

    I, like you just had a wonderful dinner today (chicken marsala with garlic mashed potatoes and broccoli). I made two chicken breasts and while I only ate one I just keep thinking that the other chicken breast is merely a few steps away. It is definitely calling my name. I am going to be strong, stay busy and push those thought out of my head because I am full and satifised. I know when my stomach tells me I am full but I will definitely eat until my plate is clean (especially if its delicious).

    I don’t want to seem like some weirdo leaving comments on your page. We are friends on Spark People, my name on there is Rockyjay. I saw your blog yesterday with the garlic steak recipe and I am going to try that for sure. I came back today to read your new post and I had to share and let you know that you are definitely not alone but its something that we can overcome.

  3. Chibi Jeebs Says:

    YES. I can, will, and do keep eating even though I’m full. I also find myself… hiding (? sort of: more like shielding – for example, when I’m eating my lunch at work, I’ll hunch over my desk so people can’t see what I’m eating) my food because I have this notion that people are judging. That makes me so sad, both that I give a sh*t and that some people DO judge.

    It disturbs me to no end to *recognize* that I am not physically hungry, but still powerfully craving more. It scares me, to be completely honest.

  4. Ooh yes, I know what you mean. I can eat like there’s no tomorrow at times. In my case it’s like a switch. If I do one thing bad it all just goes down the drain for me.

    Lately though, I’ve been doing pretty well with my eating, I try to keep myself at 80-90% full every meal, and eliminate the unnecessary snacking in between 🙂 I guess your body adjusts to whatever you provide for it, so as long as you take a first step the others will follow.

  5. forthrightfattie Says:

    Yeah, this sounds familiar. While I don’t personally think it’s my biggest issue when it comes to weight, I’ve had times like these. It’s so mental (that’s not Aussie slang, I mean it literally.) There’s something about the feeling of doing something even though you KNOW you shouldn’t and don’t necessarily even WANT to do it that bad, it’s just, like you said, a compulsion.
    In other news, congrats on the loss and don’t stress about maintenance. You’ll figure it out.

  6. aylilth Says:

    Wow you have done so well!!!!

  7. I’m getting scared about maintenance too. I’ve lost weight so many times in the past but have never kept it off. I am determined, however, to succeed. As I get closer to my goal (10 pounds or so away), I am getting nervous. I guess it’s normal. What do you think?

  8. The thing about not having a ‘full up’ signal is not uncommon. I can eat well past satiety without so much as a flicker. There is some research that suggests that people who cant stop eating past the point where they are ‘full’ have a faulty ‘appestat’ – that is a hypothetical region in the brain (rather like the g-spot is a hypothetical region elsewhere) that is supposed to help regulate appetite. The research suggests that overweight people have the propensity or the ability to ‘over-ride’ the appestat, especially those that eat quickly, or use food as a comfort source – darn it – who would do that!!! Craving foods that are based on an emotional need, rather than a physical one, it is suggested – also over-ride the appestat. It is suggested that folks who eat quickly, watch tv while they eat, eat on the run, or read – are not paying attention to the signals their brain is sending out, and miss the cues that the appestat is sending. There is also the argument that those who have a thyroid malfuntion can also render the appetite control useless, which results in improper information being sent from the appestat, as can a reduction in leptin ( a sleep based hormone). Some artificial sweeteners like Aspartame it is claimed, may mistrigger the brain readings of fullness. The lessons to learn from all that I suppose, is to get a thyroid function test, eat mindfully, dont use artificial sweeteners that are not sugar based, and get enough sleep. Well – its worth a try lol – anythings worth a try dontchya think?


  9. Tricia Says:

    Congrats on your loss!

  10. aperfectversionofmyself Says:

    Wow! I am really glad I published this post instead of ignoring it. I feel really relieved that I’m not the only one with these feelings. Thank you to everyone who commented on this entry for making me feel less alone.

    You guys rock.

  11. kelerific Says:

    That sounds sooo familiar! I’ve always been that way. I just eat. Doesn’t matter if I’m hungry or not. I’ll eat. Any time. Food is so damned good that I have a hard time stopping myself. So sure, do I eat when I’m mad? Yep. Happy? Yep. Depressed? Yep. Doesn’t matter my emotion, I eat.

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