I’m missing yoga right now. I got home about half an hour ago and realized that I had a choice to make: yoga or dinner. Food wins every time. I’m going to a 6 am spin class tomorrow to make up for it, and I’ll catch yoga on Wednesday. But, this unexpected scheduling change allowed me to write the post I meant to get to over the weekend! Bonus!
First, the blogger get together on Saturday was fun. You can see some pics over here. I’m way in the back on the right hand side of the group pic.
The only thing is that I think I was at the wrong end of the table. Not that the girls near me weren’t nice (they were) or fantastic (they were). The problem is that the conversation veered into the very thing I’ve been struggling with for the past couple weeks: maintenance. You see, the girls I was sitting closest to are both now lifetime members at Weight Watchers. They’ve hit their goals (congratulations especially to Allie, she hit goal last week) and are now focusing on KEEPING the weight off, rather than actively trying to lose it.
I’m terrified of this phase.
I know how to lose weight. I’ve basically made losing weight my hobby for the last year and a half. I enjoy pushing myself towards a goal and I like seeing my progress.
There is none of that in weight maintenance. You are a success when nothing happens.
I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never done that. In the past, my weight only had one direction: up. Now it goes down. How the heck do you keep it the same?
Supposedly Weight Watchers will teach me how to do this – that’s the word I got from my fellow bloggers this weekend, but I’m still really scared. I’ve tried all my tricks to talk myself out of this fear, reminding myself that I only have to get through one day at a time, remembering that time passes so quickly and before I know it I’ll be doing it without thinking. Nothing is working.
I wrote an email to my best friend where I described the choking panic that sets in whenever I start to think about maintenance but I don’t think I was able to convey just how freaked out I was. I have spent so long and worked so hard to get this weight off, the last thing I want to do is have to take any of it off for a second time. I like my life like this! I like how awesome I feel! If I gain this weight back, I know that all of the progress I’ve made in other aspects of my life (getting happy, feeling more confident etc) will disappear with every pound that creeps back on.
I have been so scared and down about how scared I am that I think I’ve been self-sabotaging. I think that’s the reason I am feeling hungry all the time. It’s psychological hunger, me trying to push what I’m feeling down with food. Not good. I’ve been trying to work this out, but it’s hard. Everything has just seemed really hard lately, and I am certain that this is due to my mental flip-outs regarding maintaining my weight.
What’s worse is that I don’t have to think about this yet. I still have weight to lose, some people would say that I have the hardest weight yet to lose, but I’m still panicking. I tell myself to not think beyond the end of the day or week, but it’s not working.
If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear it.