A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

It’s Gonna Be Alright May 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 9:02 pm

It’s the first long weekend of the summer here in Canada and the weather (except for Saturday) could not have been nicer.  I just thought I’d throw that out there because I didn’t used to love summer.  I used to hate it.  It’s a lot harder to enjoy the summer when you’re wearing twelve layers of clothing in an attempt to cover your fat up.  Guess what?  People still know you’re fat, but now you’re hot and sweaty too!  Bonus!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how I feel regarding maintenance and I’ve mostly calmed down.  I can live like this for the rest of my life.  I’ve been living this way for almost 18 months now and they’ve been the best 18 months of my life, so I guess that speaks for itself, right?

Here’s the real issue that I’ve been dealing with:  I thought things would be different.  This is stupid, because whenever I read that people have lost a ton of weight and their problems didn’t go away, which was depressing for them, I was always kinda weirded out.  I mean, you’re just smaller.  It’s not like you got a fairy godmother out of your lost pounds (although, frankly, it would be cool to build a person out of the fat and stuff you lose when you lose weight, wouldn’t it?  You could even give them all the personality traits you shed as your weight trends downwards.  That would be a miserable-ass person by the way).

What I really mean is that I thought…I don’t know.  It’s so hard to put into words.  I just figured I would have it together by the time I hit my goal weight.  Hitting that goal, being the size I want to be, those are tangible mile markers in a person’s life, you know?  But as real as they are, those mile markers have always been (and for many people, they always will be) something mythical and off in the distance.  It’s like when you were in school and you put off writing that report until the last-minute.  You knew the deadline was coming, but it’s easy to put things off until it’s the night before your project is due and your mom is driving you around to find a store that sells bristol board at 8 pm.  I was putting off buying the bristol board until I was “done” to some degree and now I can see the deadline and it made me panic for a few minutes (or weeks).

I realized that I don’t have my life together in the way I figured I would need to in order to be done.

I think that I figured my life would have to look a certain way, I’d have to be a certain person, in order to also be successful at weight loss.  I was obviously wrong because, well.  Here I am.  I’m a success at weight loss – regardless if I ever lose another pound or not, I’ve been very successful at taking weight off.  I hope that I can be just as successful at keeping the weight off, but that’s something I’m just going to have to approach on a day-to-day basis.  I’m up for the challenge, I just had to remember that.  I had to remember that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to and that being determined and willing to do the work counts for more than most people realize.

This post is a big giant mess – to steal a quote from the seminal film ‘The Princess Bride, “let me explain.  No, there is too much.  Let me sum up” – I’m good.  I wasn’t in the best head space but I think I’m figuring it out.  I have the rest of my life to get my world in order, it’ll happen.  I’m good.


3 Responses to “It’s Gonna Be Alright”

  1. Chibi Jeebs Says:

    “I have the rest of my life to get my world in order, it’ll happen.”

    The way it’s *meant* to happen and its own good time. I know it’s trite, and can be hard to accept if you’re a control freak like me, but when/if you get to the point where you can just *trust* that it’s all going to work out, it’s SUCH a relief – it’s really rather freeing (to be totally corny).

    Glad you’re good. ❤

  2. Stephanie Says:

    We have this tendency to think that some perfect version of ourselves exists – weight-wise and otherwise – and that we have to attain it, and once we attain it, everything will be ok. Once we’re financially stable / in a relationship / have a house / are more outgoing / figure out what to do with our hair etc etc.

    The truth is if I’m dissatisfied with myself, the external things are just a symptom.

    I want to give you props for maintaining and being able to enjoy the summer 😉
    9 weight loss

  3. aperfectversionofmyself Says:

    Chibi – you’ve hit the nail on the head – I’m a control freak too!! I’m trying to let go of that feeling of needing to be in control of EVERYTHING. This is, of course, not easy!

    Stephanie – you’re right, my dissatisfication is more internal and it’s affecting my outlook. The thing is, it’s really hard to recognize that sometimes – I knew the goal weight looming was only the symptom of something I was feeling but it’s hard sometimes to pinpoint what I’m feeling when I’ve spent a lifetime avoiding examining things too closely. I hope that makes sense.

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