A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

I’m Insane June 1, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 11:06 pm
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I’m down 1.6 lbs this week despite some weird binge-type moments.  I had to throw out a box of organic granola cereal on Saturday night because I was standing in my kitchen, shovelling it into my mouth at top speed FOR THE SECOND TIME IN TWO DAYS.  Why I didn’t throw it out after the first incident is beyond me.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she encouraged me to go to Overeaters Anonymous.  She herself is a regular attendee and was saying how helpful it’s been.  We had this really great conversation where I felt like someone GOT IT for the first time.  I don’t think a person can really understand compulsive eating unless they suffer from it.

Like, for example, one of my coworkers at the bookstore.  We were discussing what we had done the night before and I mentioned my indiscretion involving the cereal.  Her response?  That I obviously lack willpower. 

I was kinda flabbergasted if I’m being honest.  First because, hello!  I’ve lost over 150 lbs, I think I possess a little bit of willpower.  Second, does she really think that a binge is the same thing as giving in to weakness? 

I didn’t press the issue because, like I said, people who don’t have these issue can never really “get” them.  They might be able to sympathize, but at their core they just can’t grasp the concept of being out of control and having no way out.  They don’t get the desperation, shame, guilt and horror that can occur at the exact same time that you are outwardly looking calm and in control.  Compulsive and binge eating are weirdly things I never thought I suffered from until recently.  Then I realized that I have been doing it all along, I just changed what I was bingeing on and I was building those weird moments into my eating plan so that I was accounting for the calories.  Doesn’t make it right, it just makes it accounted for.

I’ve located a meeting that fits into my insane schedule (7:45 pm on Thursdays in the next town over) and I’m going to give Overeaters Anonymous a try.  I really want to be healthy, happy and in a better relationship with food.  I think the fact that I’m willing to do the work to get there is a huge sign of progress.  The me from 18 months ago wouldn’t have figured I was worth figuring this out.  Now I know the truth: the only thing that’s more important than my physical health is my mental health.  And I’m worth every damn bit of hard work it will take to be happy.

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8 Responses to “I’m Insane”

  1. Janet Says:

    Oh my goodness! I can’t believe she said you lack willpower! That’s crazy.

    Let us know what you think of Overeaters Anonymous. I’m curious.

  2. natalia Says:

    Ciao Tara, I arrived by chance on your blog and I’m absolutely admiring you so much ! I know what you feel in a binge: it is terrible and hope that Overheaters Anonymous will help. You deserve the best ! Love Natalia

  3. bonnie godzich Says:

    Really do understand exactly what you were feeling. Thank you for the suggesstion, OA sounds like it may be a winner as I am terrified that I will gain everyone of the 130 pounds back, still have 20 more to go but do have those awful moments when I can just not stop eating even stuff I do not like.

  4. Chibi Jeebs Says:

    “I think the fact that I’m willing to do the work to get there is a huge sign of progress. The me from 18 months ago wouldn’t have figured I was worth figuring this out. Now I know the truth: the only thing that’s more important than my physical health is my mental health. And I’m worth every damn bit of hard work it will take to be happy.”

    A-freaking-men! You can’t see it, but I’m giving you a standing ovation. 🙂

    (I cannot believe your coworker! Yeah, because all it takes is will power, which evidently can be turned on and off with a switch. *heavy eye rolling*)

  5. aperfectversionofmyself Says:

    You guys (and all the folks who commented on this post on my Spark Page) are awesome.

    I just…love you all right now.

  6. Traci Says:

    That’s just crazy . You obviously have a lot of willpower. And I agree with you. They probably will never really get it.

  7. Tracy Says:

    Yeah, your co-worker has it down pat! ALL IT TAKES IS WILLPOWER. IT’S THAT EASY.

    /sarcasm

    Willpower isn’t something that can be switched on so easily. Willpower is bloody hard to come by, especially when you have things like an addictive personality and food addiction to overcome (my personal demons, still working on ’em!) and some people, AUGH.

    But do you know, I applaud you, because yeah. You’re taking – and have BEEN taking – steps in the right direction, and seriously. Losing more than 150lbs is INCREDIBLE. She had absolutely NO RIGHT in saying what she said. It was rude and ignorant, and she obviously has no idea how hard you’ve worked, and how hard it is when you ARE a compulsive overeater, even when you’ve lost so much weight. Just because you’ve lost the weight doesn’t mean your demons are gone. It just means the weight is!

    Augh, I say, augh. /rant

    I hope OA helps. Let us know how it goes.

  8. poetrywater Says:

    Wonderful, honest blog! I am so glad to find it.
    I have also suffered with compulsive eating for my whole life and have been in OA for the past three weeks and have found community of others who are insane for food, like me.

    Amazingly, I have 3 weeks without insanity and compulsive eating. It seems all so surreal…

    If you want to hear more of my story, you can see info at: http://pebblesintheroad.wordpress.com

    I look forward to read more of your journey 🙂
    blessings,
    Poetrywater


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