I’m down 1.6 lbs this week despite some weird binge-type moments. I had to throw out a box of organic granola cereal on Saturday night because I was standing in my kitchen, shovelling it into my mouth at top speed FOR THE SECOND TIME IN TWO DAYS. Why I didn’t throw it out after the first incident is beyond me.
I was talking to a friend yesterday and she encouraged me to go to Overeaters Anonymous. She herself is a regular attendee and was saying how helpful it’s been. We had this really great conversation where I felt like someone GOT IT for the first time. I don’t think a person can really understand compulsive eating unless they suffer from it.
Like, for example, one of my coworkers at the bookstore. We were discussing what we had done the night before and I mentioned my indiscretion involving the cereal. Her response? That I obviously lack willpower.
I was kinda flabbergasted if I’m being honest. First because, hello! I’ve lost over 150 lbs, I think I possess a little bit of willpower. Second, does she really think that a binge is the same thing as giving in to weakness?
I didn’t press the issue because, like I said, people who don’t have these issue can never really “get” them. They might be able to sympathize, but at their core they just can’t grasp the concept of being out of control and having no way out. They don’t get the desperation, shame, guilt and horror that can occur at the exact same time that you are outwardly looking calm and in control. Compulsive and binge eating are weirdly things I never thought I suffered from until recently. Then I realized that I have been doing it all along, I just changed what I was bingeing on and I was building those weird moments into my eating plan so that I was accounting for the calories. Doesn’t make it right, it just makes it accounted for.
I’ve located a meeting that fits into my insane schedule (7:45 pm on Thursdays in the next town over) and I’m going to give Overeaters Anonymous a try. I really want to be healthy, happy and in a better relationship with food. I think the fact that I’m willing to do the work to get there is a huge sign of progress. The me from 18 months ago wouldn’t have figured I was worth figuring this out. Now I know the truth: the only thing that’s more important than my physical health is my mental health. And I’m worth every damn bit of hard work it will take to be happy.