Yesterday was a bit of a disaster.
I don’t know what got into me. I was just an eating machine. It’s like I gave myself permission to go completely off the rails and just shovel food into me for an entire day. It was so bad that I threw up when I got home last night, and then again this morning. Today I feel shaky and weak, like I went on a bender. Which, in a way, I did. Alcohol is not my drug of choice, I am a food addict.
It started off great – I had my usual Saturday morning breakfast of blueberry pancakes and headed off to yoga. Afterwards, I went to my aunt’s new house (where I was to help her move) and took lunch orders. I helped myself to a few Timbits (I think Americans call them donut holes?) on the way out the door, but I pointed them and moved on. I headed to Subway and grabbed sandwiches, mine being a turkey on whole wheat with no cheese and lots of veggies. I made sure to stop at the grocery store and grab a couple of bags of potato chips, some rice chips, and a fruit platter to round out the meal. I ate my sandwich, filled a cup with some fruit (she had no plates unpacked) and felt satisfied. Then I ripped open the bag of rice chips to have “a couple” and all hell broke loose.
I’m not going to get really into detail, but I will say that yesterday I consumed the following in varying quantities: ketchup potato chips, more Timbits, chicken wings, onion rings, french fries, garlic bread with cheese, mozzarella sticks, potato sticks dipped in sour cream, spinach dip with bread, artichoke dip with pita, strawberry-banana daiquiri and much more.
I felt sick the entire time I was doing it, but that didn’t stop me from eating. I did stop when I honestly believed I was going to vomit, but part of me was watching the other people continue to nibble and feeling….jealous. There is obviously something wrong with me, psychologically, where I will eat past the point of feeling comfortable, but even though last night was a really bad night, I think it helped me figure out at least part of why I do this.
It’s like, I’m afraid I’m not going to get my share. Like at any moment, the food will be gone or taken away and I won’t have had enough. I’m worried that the food is going to “run out”. I think it’s why I struggle to stay at my alloted daily points more now. Before, when I was eating 25-30 points daily (or more), I felt like no matter what came up, I had the calories available to me to handle it. Now that I’m eating 22 per day, it’s gotten a lot tougher. When I see them disappear and I know I only have one or two left, I feel this internal panic at the thought that I’m “running out”. It’s the same reason I pay my bills the day after I get paid…..with the money from my last pay cheque.
Like, I save the money for my bills when I get paid, but I don’t actually pay them until I get paid again two weeks later. I need to have money (besides my savings) available to me in case something happens.
I’m walking around constantly terrified I’m not going to have enough. Of anything.
I’ve made an appointment with my doctor to get a referral to a psychiatrist, one who will hopefully specialize in food related disorders. Overeaters Anonymous was not for me. They focussed more on “the program” and while that may work for some people, I think I need more specialized help. OA is more of a support group and between my blog friends and my WW group, I feel like I’ve got that covered.
As I mentioned, I threw up last night when I got home. Not a purposeful purge after a binge, but because my stomach was so full and I felt so sick. I haven’t eaten greasy food in such large quantities since I had my gallbladder taken out last November and my body just had no ability to handle it. I threw up again this morning and then slept till 1 pm. I’m feeling really horrible, physically, now. I have a headache and my whole body is aching. I feel tired and nauseous and my gut is making some terrible noises. I literally feel worse than hung over.
This is not worth it. Not at all.