A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

I Don’t Want to Think About It July 15, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 11:01 pm

Look at me, all following through on my vow to blog every day this week!  Granted, it’s only been two days but still.  Let’s give some credit where credit is due!

I think I should give you some back story on me.  It’s very like me, to have been writing this blog for a year and a half and just be allowing you a glimpse into who I am now.

Here’s the thing: I am severely screwed up.

I have this pathological need to pretend everything is just fine and not tell anyone the extent of how bad things have gotten for me.

I had a pretty rough childhood, something I’ve downplayed for most of my life.  For some reason, I tend to feel ashamed about how bad it actually was.  In some ways, I think I blame myself, that I deserved how bad it was because of behaviour that I exhibited.

According to my mother (at the time), I was a rude, sullen bitch.  Other members of my family backed her up on this, including my least favourite uncle.  Making it worse was the fact that the family members who didn’t actively back my mom up, stood passively by.  This lead me to believe that they must have agreed with all assessments of the situation, otherwise they would have spoken up and stood up for me.

That’s the way things work in my family.  Mostly, we are passive people. 

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I found out how much my family disagreed with the way my mother treated me.  It turns out my grandmother hung around our house after school on nights when she could tell my mother was going to pick fights with me.  My aunt Stacie (who allowed me to live with her for a brief time as a teen) told me that she wished I had never moved back home.  My other aunt and uncle expressed that there was a point they were getting ready to call Family Services, but didn’t want to affect my grandmother by having me removed from the home.

I don’t think a single one of my friends know that things were this bad.  I mean, sure, I bitched about my mother and my home life, but what teenager didn’t?  But their fights over grades and curfews and underage drinking were so normal to me, I yearned for those kinds of fights.

Instead, I was fighting with someone who wasn’t rational.  My mother has no coping mechanisms for anything in her life – this hasn’t changed since she’s gotten older.  She suffers from a lot of the same self-esteem issues as me – most importantly, she has the same fear of abandonment that I’ve recently come to grips with suffering from.  This often leads to situations where she is angry with someone, but feels like she can’t express it or they won’t “like” her anymore.  This happened a lot when I was a kid, work was really stressful for her then.  Instead of getting mad at the person, she would let it build up inside her and then she would come home and use me as a pressure valve.  She was “allowed” to get mad at me.

The worst part was that it was so unexpected.  One minute, there would be calm and then the next minute, I would have done something wrong somehow and it always turned into a laundry list of my faults.  She would bring up every single thing I had ever done wrong and how that made me a terrible, ungrateful, ignorant, lazy, horrible person.  Worse, once the “pressure” was relieved, she was fine.  She was over it.  I can’t tell you how many fights started because I had the audacity not to be speaking to her half an hour after she had berated me.  I was supposed to get over the fights just as quickly as she did and if I didn’t, it was cause for another go-round.

Living in my house was like living in the middle of a war zone.  I’m not saying this so that you feel sorry for me and I’m not saying this with any kind of agenda.  I’m just saying this because I’ve never said (or typed) that I’ve felt really ashamed of this my whole life.  That’s why I kept it a secret from all of my friends.  Even my best friend doesn’t know the extent of how bad things were for me because at least part of me figured it was my fault.  Part of me is still struggling to accept that it wasn’t. 

I’m going to repeat that: none of this was my fault.  I was a child.  Even when I was a teenager, I was still a child.  I was a victim in this mess, as much as it chafes me to apply that label to myself.  It wasn’t something I deserved, nor was it something I had earned by being a terrible person. 

Now I just have to work on REALLY believing this.  I think putting it out there for you all to read is a good first step.

Now for my daily food/exercise recap:

Available Weight Watchers Points: 22

Breakfast:  1 cup Kashi puffed wheat cereal (-1)

1 cup mixed berries (-1)

1 serving fat-free yogurt (-1)

14 oz coffee, made with three 2% milk packets and two Splenda (0)

Mid-morning snack: 12 oz fresh pineapple (-1)

32 oz water consumed before lunch

Lunch: 1 whole wheat tortilla with 2 TBSP hummus, 66 oz of lean chicken, red and green pepper strips and red onion (-3)

1 granola bar (-2)

1 serving fat-free yogurt (-1)

1 medium pear (-1)

10 oz hot tea, made with two 2% milk packets and one Splenda (0)

Afternoon snack: 1 medium apple (-1)

32 oz water consumed after lunch and before dinner

Dinner: 3 oz extra lean turkey burger, made with green pepper, onion and seasoning and served on a WW bun with relish, mustard, tomato and onion (-5)

1 cup steamed green beans and brocoli, with lemon juice, salt and pepper (-0)

85 grams baked sweet potato french fries (-3)

1/4 cup reduced sugar ketchup (-0)

Dessert: No-Sugar Added Jello Pudding (-1)

60 minutes hot yoga (+3)

Blogging snack: 100 calorie Smart Pop popcorn (-1)

32 oz water consumed from dinnertime till bedtime

Total points used: 22

Weekly points available: 35

Total AP earned: 3 (7 for the week)

Total AP used: 0

Total liquids consumed: 120 oz – 96 of them water


2 Responses to “I Don’t Want to Think About It”

  1. Kendra Says:

    I feel like you just described my home. Everything was wrong and everything was my fault. The particulars were a little different but the general feeling was the same.

  2. kristi Says:

    I had a pretty craptastic childhood, at least from the age of 12 on. Please stop by my blog, I am on a journey to lose weight too.

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