My mom and sister are visiting and I’m feeling really isolated from my entire family.
I’ve mentioned before that my family (the women in particular) have some pretty intense food issues. The last time I was hanging out with my mom, sister and aunt, it was pretty awful for me. I was determined that this time was going to be different.
It’s been different, but I’m honestly not sure which visit has been worse.
I don’t think I’ll weigh in with an enormous gain this time, but I’ve felt isolated and hugely lonely the entire time they’ve been here.
My mom and sister view eating as an activity. I can’t think like that anymore. It’s not good for me to think that way. I used to think that way, and I ended up over 300 lbs and miserably unhappy.
These days, I’m trying to retrain my brain to believe that food is fuel. It can be great tasting fuel, but that’s all it is: a way to keep my body going so that I can live my life.
By me not participating in the “eating as an activity” thing, I’m being left out of a lot of stuff.
Today was particularly upsetting for me. We were supposed to drive two hours to visit my brother yesterday. He had to postpone it till today, which meant that I couldn’t go. I booked yesterday off from my part-time job at the bookstore to be able to go, but was scheduled to work today instead. I was crushed if I’m being honest. I haven’t seen him in over a year and I miss him. He lived with us for a long time, we got to develop a friendship as adults and then he was gone. It’s been at least TWO years since my mom, sister, brother and I were together AT ALL, so I had really been anticipating getting together with everyone.
I sort of got over it. Not really, but I understood that nothing could be done to make it any different so I tried to accept it.
Then my grandmother announced that she wanted to take the entire family (aunts, uncles, cousins etc) to a popular Chinese food buffet for dinner tonight.
I can’t don’t want to do that.
Chinese food buffets are almost impossible to make good choices at. EVERYTHING is cooked in oil, not to mention that I’ve been struggling with binge eating lately. The worst place I could think of going is an all-you-can-eat buffet. I asked if we could maybe pick a different restaurant, one with a menu, or one that had some healthy choices available. One that I could join them at, in other words.
There was a resounding silence from all three members of my family upon my request.
So today my family geared up and went to visit my brother without me. When I finished my shift at the bookstore, I went and grocery shopped. I arrived home and attempted to clean up the messy kitchen and organize the fridge so my groceries could be put away. My grandmother was the only one home and she mentioned that they were not going to the buffet because she was not feeling very well.
Instead, my entire family arrived home from the visit with fast food rotisserie style chicken. They sat and ate in our dining room while I finished putting the groceries away….alone. I cooked my dinner and they had finished up and everyone had left with the exception of my mother. I ate my food….alone and am now off to do the dishes….alone.
I’ve felt like this the entire time they’ve been here – every suggestion of activities I’ve made that do not involve food or eating have been either met with silence or shot down completely. I even suggested going to the mall to shop and they weren’t interested. Costco, yes. Mall, no. So I went to Costco. Not really a big deal, except that it is a bit.
However when I mentioned going for sushi or to a Thai restaurant I used to love, they jumped over themselves to say yes.
I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll just ride it out and they’ll leave on Friday and everything will go back to normal. Except that I’m feeling sad about how isolated I am and how left out of everything I am and I’m sitting here crying and typing.
I guess the good news is that I’m sitting here crying and typing as opposed to rummaging through the fridge, attempting to feel better by shoving junk in my mouth.
I guess I’ll take my victories where I can find them.