A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

No More August 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:46 am

The other day, I was wondering when I will have to stop calling myself fat.

Oh, stop.  I know what you’re thinking!  “Tara, you should NEVER be calling yourself fat!  It’s negative self-talk and it’s going to destroy your fragile self-confidence!”.  Blah, diddy, blah, blah, blah.

The thing is, it’s not that I “call” myself fat – it’s just that being fat is so tied with who I am that I’m used to thinking of it as part of me.  Like, I have blue eyes.  I have blue eyes, small feet and I’m fat.  It’s me.  I know there are lots of people who get this.  I’ve been overweight since I WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, so thinking of myself as fat (or large, or chubby, or plump) is just par for the course.

However.  I figured at some point, I would have to stop including this in the inventory of pieces that make up who I am.  I mean, I’m not really fat anymore.  (Dude, I totally just typed “I’m not really THAT fat anymore, but then I took it out).  I`m really quite normal sized.  I`m even smaller than the average woman these days (average size commonly believed to be a size 12 – I`m currently sitting here in a pair of size 8 pants), so I figured at some point I would have to readjust my thinking and figure out how I that would fit in with my own ideas about who I am and how I look.

That day was apparently yesterday.

Let me tell you a little story, in which I`m pretty sure I almost got bitch slapped. 

I was shopping yesterday in a Reitmans.  For those of you who aren`t Canadian, Reitmans is a store that carries both regular and plus sized clothing under the same roof.  I was looking for a sweater or something to leave at my desk at work so I`ll stop fearing amputation from frost bite, and I looked up and noticed I had strayed into the Plus-sized section.  I guess Plus-sized sections are like planets, the gravity just pulls you in if you`re used to orbiting near them.

Anyway, I`m standing there and I noticed a really cute sweater (I know! In Plus-size!  How weird!) so I picked up the sleeve and was looking at the price.  I`m not sure why?  I just was.

I caught another woman looking at me and I smiled.  I often strike up conversations with strangers, so I mentioned how pretty the sweater was.  She looked mad!  She mumbled something under her breath that I didn’t quite catch and I asked her to repeat herself.  She said “like that would fit YOU!” and was sort of hostile about it.  I didn’t know what to say.  I don’t like to tell virtual strangers about my weight loss, and this has never happened to me before so I kinda froze.  Then, she asked what I was even doing on that side of the store!  I really didn’t know what to say, so I just kinda walked away. 

At first I was offended.  Then I realized that when I was forced to buy all my clothes at insane prices and covered with giant flowers, I would have felt quite the same as this woman.  I mean, sure, I could have been buying a gift, but honestly?  I know I would have felt like thin people get all the nice clothes, leave me the ONE SWEATER that’s not heinous and get lost.

Cause I’m like that in my head, if not out loud.

It’s caused me to reflect, so that’s something.  I’m going to have to work on how I describe myself.  Thin(er) is how I usually phrase it, but I have a feeling even that’s not going to fly for very much longer.

Any suggestions?


9 Responses to “No More”

  1. That exact thing happened to me and I wrote about it! The lady wasn’t mad, but she did say something like, “Well, you’ve never had to worry if things will fit.” I just laughed and told her that actually I used to be so big I had to make all my clothes. She and I had a brief, positive conversation. I think you just have to access each situation as it comes up and decide how much you want to share. I suppose you could always carry a picture to whip out and show them!

  2. bonnie godzich Says:

    Love the idea of carrying a picture, you just might inspire someone that thought it was impossible to change.
    So someone else noticed that all the plus size clothes are awful, either have wrong way stripes, a ruffle or pockets right at the hip area, or are just plain ugly. Someone could make a fortune by making classy looking clothes.
    Wonder how long it takes to get your mind around your new appearance?
    Hope it will be soon for you.

  3. GB Girl Says:

    I had the same problem when I was at my goal weight. I had always been fat and that’s just part of who I was. It was really hard for me to recognize that I wasn’t anymore. I truly don’t think I ever did. That same old insecurity stuck with me causing that inner fat girl to rear her ugly head (well, hang it in shame actually, but you get the idea).

    I like the idea of carrying a picture. That could make for an interesting conversation starter!

  4. Zoe D. Says:

    Such a strange mirror-image of all the stories we write about being in the “normal”-sized departments and fearing someone will ask what we [fat folk] think we’re doing looking at ‘their’ clothes. I know I’ve done it so many times, created a whole conversation in my head: “For your information, I’m shopping for my daughter!” Funny thing is, no one has ever said anything to me. The lady who accosted you must be hurting.

  5. Lisa Says:

    Do you have any pics of before and after? Thanks for the nice comments on my blog. 🙂

  6. Pam Says:

    You are so right–a lot of large sized clothing is gaudy, like you need huge prints and flowers to draw even more attention to your huge body! Fat has been the overwhelming factor in my life for over 30 years, it rules how I think of myself, what I do, and how other people think of me, or at least I thought it did. Now that I’ve lost 100 lbs. some people notice, but some don’t. And I wonder, was my being fat not that important to those people who don’t notice or at least pretend not to notice? I mean 100 lbs. is noticeable, even though I need to lose 60 more. Are the people who don’t notice just jealous? I really think I have given my fat way too much importance in my life. When you are fat, it’s all you think about when you think about yourself. I am FAT. Nobody can like me because I am FAT. I can’t do this or that because I am FAT. I can’t wear those clothes because I am FAT. I am still FAT, but not AS fat as I used to be. I will probably never get down to a size 8 like you have (CONGRATS!), but would be content with a size 14, after wearing size 36 a year ago. But to change my concept of myself–that will be difficult.
    I know what you mean about being cold all the time now though. I used to be HOT all the time, I have a fan set up in my office permanently. Now I have added a desk to the hook by my desk, because I am more often cold than hot. I guess the body fat was good for something.

  7. Pam Says:

    Okay, just read your post from December 2008 and January 2009. They are very good. I’m going to make my way through your entire blog, because you write well, you inspire me and I’m determined to get to where you are. Even though I’m lots older than you (59), I started at about the same size as you (324 lbs.), and am hoping to get down to about 160 lbs. I looked at your before and after pictures and you look fantastic now. I want to get there. Currently I’m at 224. It’s a good start, but I’ve got a ways to go still. Anyway, here’s what you said in Jan. 2009, and I was just wondering if you have found it getting any easier to make the healthy choices?
    “The thing with weight loss, is that if you are someone who struggles with your weight, I get the feeling that you can never let your guard down. You can never relax and just flow because it’s a constant battle. This is kinda depressing to think about too. I really hope that I can look forward to a future where I don’t constantly obsess over food, good or bad for me as it may be, but I don’t think that’s going to be the case. Wrapping my head around that fact is at least half of the battle.”
    I am still obsessing over food at this point. I go to restaurants and try to order the healthy options, but I crave the not so healthy ones. I want to know if it will ever get any easier. I have a feeling it won’t. It will always be work, but maybe it will eventually become a habit, one that I don’t have to work so hard at. But if it doesn’t get easier, I’m afraid I may not be able to maintain this determination indefinitely and will regain the weight AGAIN. That is my worst nightmare. Well, ONE of my worst nightmares.
    Oh and in my comment above, I should have said I added a SWEATER to the hook by my desk, not a DESK to the hook by my desk, that would just be silly.

  8. Stephanie Says:

    Thank you for visiting my blog! I would love to see your before and after pictures. Do you have any posted here?

  9. Dee Dieter Says:

    Hello fellow Canadian…I don’t know where I’m keeping myself. I’ve never had anything like that happen to me (being thin).

    However, I did go into a “regular” size store and the woman came rushing over to me and my husband saying “These clothes will not fit you.” I was so involved in my conversation with my husband that I said, “We’re buying a gift.” Of course, all the comebacks came at a later date…but too late…what I’d really like to do if I could find that woman again is go into her store and find the smallest top and ask for a fitting room. LOL…that would be priceless. BTW, I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice 🙂

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