The other day, I was wondering when I will have to stop calling myself fat.
Oh, stop. I know what you’re thinking! “Tara, you should NEVER be calling yourself fat! It’s negative self-talk and it’s going to destroy your fragile self-confidence!”. Blah, diddy, blah, blah, blah.
The thing is, it’s not that I “call” myself fat – it’s just that being fat is so tied with who I am that I’m used to thinking of it as part of me. Like, I have blue eyes. I have blue eyes, small feet and I’m fat. It’s me. I know there are lots of people who get this. I’ve been overweight since I WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, so thinking of myself as fat (or large, or chubby, or plump) is just par for the course.
However. I figured at some point, I would have to stop including this in the inventory of pieces that make up who I am. I mean, I’m not really fat anymore. (Dude, I totally just typed “I’m not really THAT fat anymore, but then I took it out). I`m really quite normal sized. I`m even smaller than the average woman these days (average size commonly believed to be a size 12 – I`m currently sitting here in a pair of size 8 pants), so I figured at some point I would have to readjust my thinking and figure out how I that would fit in with my own ideas about who I am and how I look.
That day was apparently yesterday.
Let me tell you a little story, in which I`m pretty sure I almost got bitch slapped.
I was shopping yesterday in a Reitmans. For those of you who aren`t Canadian, Reitmans is a store that carries both regular and plus sized clothing under the same roof. I was looking for a sweater or something to leave at my desk at work so I`ll stop fearing amputation from frost bite, and I looked up and noticed I had strayed into the Plus-sized section. I guess Plus-sized sections are like planets, the gravity just pulls you in if you`re used to orbiting near them.
Anyway, I`m standing there and I noticed a really cute sweater (I know! In Plus-size! How weird!) so I picked up the sleeve and was looking at the price. I`m not sure why? I just was.
I caught another woman looking at me and I smiled. I often strike up conversations with strangers, so I mentioned how pretty the sweater was. She looked mad! She mumbled something under her breath that I didn’t quite catch and I asked her to repeat herself. She said “like that would fit YOU!” and was sort of hostile about it. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t like to tell virtual strangers about my weight loss, and this has never happened to me before so I kinda froze. Then, she asked what I was even doing on that side of the store! I really didn’t know what to say, so I just kinda walked away.
At first I was offended. Then I realized that when I was forced to buy all my clothes at insane prices and covered with giant flowers, I would have felt quite the same as this woman. I mean, sure, I could have been buying a gift, but honestly? I know I would have felt like thin people get all the nice clothes, leave me the ONE SWEATER that’s not heinous and get lost.
Cause I’m like that in my head, if not out loud.
It’s caused me to reflect, so that’s something. I’m going to have to work on how I describe myself. Thin(er) is how I usually phrase it, but I have a feeling even that’s not going to fly for very much longer.