Well, hello there blog folks.
I feel like a bad blogger lately. Worse, I feel like a bad WEIGHT LOSS blogger lately.
My life is a bit messy right now and it’s definitely having an impact on my ability to live a healthy life. I don’t like it. At all.
The biggest thing that’s going on is that I’m moving. Yay, right? Except that the problems began when my roommates and I started house hunting. I am moving to the small city that I work in, to save myself a two-hour round-trip commute every day. I had the idea of moving in the back of my head when I took this new job in April and I wanted to be living here before the snow started to fall and the drive got REALLY treacherous.
We began house hunting. It meant staying very late in Brampton, which meant either missing dinner, eating dinner at 11 pm, or eating out. I ate out a lot. Now, I hit maintenance during this period of eating out constantly, so I was making some good solid choices, but still. I don’t like to eat out. It’s a bad habit I had to work hard to break, and I find that falling back into one bad habit has a nasty way of leading back into OTHER bad habits. Just me?
My roommates and I found a place. We signed the lease, we divvied up the bedrooms and we prepared to move in.
Moving is stressful.
We wanted to paint basically the entire house before we moved in – to make it ours, and to not live in a white box. There has been many late nights (I’m so tired these days that I feel like I’m walking through water at all times), lots of takeout and many, many decisions to be made.
I haven’t been making the best ones. My eating these last two weeks has been pretty atrocious. I have been eating the things I want, but are not so good for me. I have also had some run-ins with my old friend, the binge. I am a compulsive eater, I know this, but it always surprises me to find out how hungry I am when I’m stressed out.
Then, on Friday, my step-father passed away. He was 49 and had a massive heart attack. We have a complicated back story, which I would like to talk about here someday when my life calms down enough for me to really reflect on what happened, and I dealt with his death by staying calm and supportive and strong for my family. I held hands, hugged, and was the shoulder to cry on for many people.
Then on the two-hour drive home, I went through a McDonald’s drive-thru. I knew I wasn’t hungry. I knew I was eating because I was sad and angry and hollow. I did it anyway. I got a Big Mac and french fries. When I was done, I had an ice cream cone. It was not my finest moment.
However, while I was eating my ice cream, I realized something.
I use stress as my EXCUSE to binge.
Here’s the thing: I”m not certain that I binge because I’m stressed, or I use the excuse of stress to have a binge. I enjoy bingeing. It’s so weird to say that, but it’s true. I like giving myself permission to eat large quantities of food that is not good for me.
So while I was driving through the drive-thru, I wasn’t panicked and wanting to eat. I was thinking that the situation I was in, the moving, the death in the family, the new relationship I’ve started (oh yeah, there’s that huge stress too, even though it’s a good one), it was all stuff that would lead to anyone to have a mental breakdown. Being me, I deal with my mental breakdowns by eating. Therefore, a binge was in order.
I need to figure this out. I’m determined to be within two pounds of my goal weight in three weeks so I can hit maintenance. I’m weighing in today (I skipped last week – the first time I’ve deliberately missed a weigh in since I started Weight Watchers in Dec ’08) and I’m going to see what two weeks of eating whatever, whenever and never making it to the gym has done to me.
It won’t be pretty, but I will face it and move on. I am stronger than this and I am worth the effort it takes to make my life better.