A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

Everlong September 9, 2010

Filed under: Goals and Expectations,Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:35 pm

I just deleted everything I had just written because I decided that I only want to do this:


That’s right!

I have no idea how I managed to lose 7 lbs in two weeks.  I had an enormous loss last week and went to my weigh in anticipating staying the same or even a small gain.  Again, I didn’t eat on a schedule.  I didn’t binge eat, I didn’t plan for every single solitary thing that MIGHT happen.  I just did my normal thing.  The thing where I feel like I’m just like everyone else.  I may even have done a thing where I went to a dance club and had a few too many beer.

I stepped on the scale and the number came up:

I just stood there.  In shock.  I honestly thought I had been struck dumb.  It was…bizarre.  Then, I said (like a moron), “I think I just hit goal”.  There was literally no one else in the Weight Watchers except me because I’ve been going to weigh in on my lunch hour.  The receptionist looked down at my file and agreed that I had, indeed, hit goal.  I jumped off the scale, turned in a weird circle (like a dog, how amazing) and then ran around the counter and hugged the receptionist.  I then burst into tears.  I literally could not stop crying for about ten minutes.

She took this picture of me:

I stood there for another few minutes and then I left.  I’m waiting till next week to get my At Goal key chain thing because I want to go to my regular meeting and get it there.  That’s very important to me.  I need to celebrate and share with the wonderful people who were there for me and supported me all along this thing.

I feel…incredible.  It’s made all the more sweeter by the fact that I feel like I had a real breakthrough over these last few weeks.  I’m not saying that it’s not going to be work to keep the weight off, but I don’t feel like it’s going to be impossible or that it’s going to be a constant battle.

I feel like I know how to really listen to my body.  I’m sure that there will be days when this is harder than others, but I feel like I can do this.  I feel like I can be normal.  I’m going to continue to follow Weight Watchers, counting points and tracking my food.  I’m going to continue doing all the exercise that I love so much: running, biking, hiking, spinning, yoga, Zumba etc.  I’m going to continue to live my active, healthy life.  And I’m going to continue to be happy.

I’m going to continue to blog here – I love writing about the things I’m doing and I’m also really aware of how much accountability was gained by posting.  I also feel like blogging is a weird kind of therapy.  I work out my issues while I’m writing.

In the meantime, I leave you with these two images.  One was taken a month before I started this and the other was taken last Saturday.  They speak for themselves:


Vow July 13, 2010

Filed under: Goals and Expectations,Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:28 pm

The train wreck of Saturday’s chicken-wing fiasco proved out in a 1.4 lb gain.  I’m honestly surprised it’s not more.

Want to know what’s weird?

I’m revved.  I’m pumped.  I feel…exhilirated by the idea of weight loss for the first time in a long time.

See, this weird thing happens when you are no longer out of shape and super fat.  When every pound lost no longer takes you a step closer to a real life and a step further from death.  When you can shop in regular stores, in single digit sizes and look awesome in most everything you try on.

You stop trying so hard.

I mean, sure, I was still watching what I was eating.  I was still exercising daily (sometimes twice, I love you Yoga!).  But, when someone offered me a cupcake or a chicken wing, I was taking it.  I was nibbling more than I should have and I was cruising more in “maintenance” mode than weight loss mode.

It stops now.

I’m determined to get these last 12 lbs off.  I mean, DETERMINED.  I want them gone by my birthday (my 29th!) on September 21st.  It’s ten weeks away, so that will mean losing 1.2 lbs per week on average.  My current rate of loss is nowhere near that, but I’m determined to kick it into high gear and say goodbye to those pounds forever.  I can do this!  I can absolutely do this.

Here’s my plan (come on, by now you knew I had to have one):  I’m going old-school and back to basics.  Positive self-talk.  Positive reinforcement.  Hardcore belief in myself.  No more looking beyond the end of the day.  And most importantly: no more binges.  I’m stronger than that and I’m better than that.

I have some ideas for how I’m going to handle the binge eating that’s become more of an issue lately.  I’m going to employ all the tricks I used to use to head it off: brush my teeth when I feel the need to keep eating, leave the house and walk around the block when I feel the need to keep eating, phone a friend, reach out via Twitter or do anything necessary to distract myself for the fifteen minutes or so it usually takes to head off the start of a binge.

If I’m really TRULY hungry, I’m going to stop feeling guilty for reaching into my Activity Points.  I’ve earned them and I should use them if I need them – not to binge, but to eat when hungry.

I’m going to have a great week this week.  It’s going to be binge-free and I’m going to post a loss at the scale next week.  I believe this all to be true.  To that end, I’m going to blog daily here (yikes, never promised that before).  They probably won’t be deep or insightful, more daily check-ins with how things are going.  I’m going to hold myself accountable and I’m going to get through this.  I’m going to be a Weight Watchers Member-At-Goal by the time I see my next birthday.

You can take that to the bank.


Better July 1, 2010

Happy Canada Day to everyone!  I know you all might not celebrate it, but let’s take a moment to celebrate being Canadian.  It’s all about the Poutine for me, but I’m sure there are other things that make us proud besides french fries covered in fresh cheese curds and then smothered in gravy.  I can’t currently think of any, because I’m busy drooling – but rest assured, they’re there.

As I’m off from work, I thought it might be fun to make another list of the things that have changed – expected or not – since I lost almost half my body weight!

1.  I discovered that I’m bowlegged the other day.  Not severely, but there is a definite curve on my inner thighs when I put my knees together.  I guess my thigh fat just kinda covered it up before but now that the chub is receding, I can see that I have more in common with my one true love than you would think at first glance.

2.  My migraines have disappeared.  Now, I know that other people may not have experienced this (in her case, it’s the opposite) but for me it’s been the longest time in my life that I’ve ever gone without going blind in one eye and losing all sensation in my hands and face before the blinding pain would set in.  It’s been two years in August and I’m even happier to report that my doctor and I recently made the decision that I could be weaned off my preventative meds.  I’m drug-free!

3.  I look cute in hats!  I used to think that I had one of those heads that didn’t suit a chapeau but I was WRONG!  Apparently it was just my massive pumpkin face that led to my no-hat rule.  Now that my face is much thinner, hats look super cute on me.  Especially since I just wacked all my hair off into a short pixie cut.

4.  I stopped snoring!  I had been told that I snore, but I have no idea that it was weight related or that it had gone away until I went away on a girls weekend in November and was told that it’s no longer the case (although, for the record, I apparently talk and laugh in my sleep).

5.  I am an hourglass!  I always figured I was shaped like a rectangle (only with more lumps – do rectangles have lumps?) but it’s not true!  I am curved at the bust and then I am tiny through the ribcage and waist and then there’s a jut back out at my hips.  It’s absolutely lovely and it makes me feel like a WOMAN.  Rawr!

6.  I never noticed how difficult it was to “wipe” myself until it wasn’t anymore.  I don’t remember struggling, but now my hands reach behind my back better (or something)?  I don’t care what it is, it’s just nice.

That’s all I can think of for now but speaking of change, anyone who’s particularly eagle-eyed may have noticed a change on my Stats page.  I’ve amended my ultimate weight goal.  When I selected 145 pounds as my end number, it was a number so far out of my frame of reference that I kinda just picked it.  It was ten pounds below my highest acceptable BMI weight for WW to give me lifetime membership and it seemed like a good number.  But now that I’m closer?  I don’t really need to lose that much more weight.  The fact is, the things I don’t like about my body (my stomach pooch or my breast sag) are not things that are going to go away by losing ten extra pounds.  They can really only be fixed surgically (something I’m not sure about just yet).  I would really like to stop paying WW to weigh me each week.  I think 155 lbs is a much better goal for me.  I will be at a healthy BMI for my height (I’m 5′ 6″ tall) and I think I will be happy there.  I may change my mind somewhere down the line, decide I want a bit of a “cushion” between me and “Overweight” but for now it’s making me happy to see that I only have about ten pounds to lose.



Shake a Leg June 23, 2010

Filed under: Goals and Expectations,Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:08 pm

I’m late this week!  Too busy to post yesterday!  Too busy to post tonight, come to think of it but I don’t like to let it get too long lest all of you think I’m off in a corner somewhere eating butter with a spoon.

I stayed exactly the same this week, which is fine by me.  This is just proof that some weeks you can do everything right – track every mouthful, stay within your points, get lots of exercise and NOT LOSE ANY WEIGHT.  It just doesn’t always happen.  The only recourse?  To keep doing what you were doing – living your healthy, active life.  The scale will catch up with you but in the meantime, you’ll be feeling better and stronger every single day.

Tonight was my Weight Watchers Walk-It 5K Challenge, which I believe all Weight Watchers in North America were participating in.  I went in with a plan.  I wanted to run the whole thing.  I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it without stopping to walk.  And I did!!  I did not stop to walk once, I was breathing hard and sweating like a pig (it was about 100 degrees here today with the humidity) but I did it.

I even finished first.  I mean, I know it wasn’t a race, most people were walking, but still.  I finished VERY FIRST out of all the people who participated.  There was a woman behind me for most of the race – most of the time she was just close enough for me to see when I turned the corner, but at the end, she put on the speed and was catching me.  I literally thought “you did not stay out in front this whole time only to get passed in the end” and I put on my own burst of speed.  I “beat” her by about 30 seconds.  My time (based on how much of my playlist I heard while running) was 32:16!!  That’s a speed of 10:23 seconds per mile!  I’m not so slow anymore!

Dude.  I have never been so proud of myself in my entire life.  I feel like Wonder Woman and She-Ra all rolled into one.  Better yet?  I feel like an ATHLETE. 

One more announcement before I go.  I’m thinking about starting a inter-web challenge and I’m kinda polling who’d be interested.  What do you think about car-free weekends?  And by that, I mean getting everywhere on your own steam on the weekends.  You could walk, run, bike, roller blade or swim (where you would be going by swimming, I’m not sure but if it’s an option, I say go for it) anything but use your car.  I’m pledging to it, right here and now.  I will not use my car on the weekends, but get around using nothing but two feet and a heartbeat.

Are you with me?


Walking on Sunshine April 4, 2010

Filed under: Goals and Expectations — Tara @ 7:01 pm

I’ve decided to change-up the way I’ve been doing my goals.  15 lb increments was not a big deal when I was 300 lbs, but now losing 15 lbs takes me quite a bit longer and it’s becoming a bit overwhelming.  You see, when I’m at the gym or I’m struggling with my eating, I use my goals as an anchor (like they teach you at Weight Watchers).  I will repeat to myself how far I’ve got to go to the next goal and then use that as motivation.  I know I’ve said it before, but weight loss really is just talking yourself into and out of things you do or do not want to do and I truly believe this.  Because the goals seem really far away, they’re not really effective as anchors anymore and I think it’s one of the reasons I had such a rough March.

From now on, I’m going to focus on losing 10 lbs at a time.  I was recently inspired by someone on a Spark People message board who said that they “only” had to lose 10 lbs….but they had to do it 12 times.  That seemed so…refreshing!  I’m stealing it!  I’m going to amend it a little, I’m going to focus on getting out of each decade of number, bit by bit.  For now, the push is on to get out of the 180’s.

Another realization came this weekend with the gorgeous weather Southern Ontario experienced.  I decided to take the dog for a nice long walk along the beachfront on Good Friday.  It was awesome, very relaxing and certainly fun.  When I got home, I plugged the stats into SP and discovered that although I was merely strolling, I burned 280 calories during that walk!

It’s become ingrained in my head that exercise doesn’t “count” unless it’s strenuous.  Which is bullshit.  I’ve said before that I’m less fair to myself than to other people, but no matter how many times I tell remind myself of this, I still can’t seem to get it to sink in.  What I mean by that, is that I read other peoples blogs and they mention going for walks as their form of exercise and I cheer them!  I think it’s great that they’ve found something they enjoy and that they can fit into their day.  But me?  No way!  I have to be practically killing myself at the gym in order for it to be “real” exercise.

So on Sunday, I loaded the dog into the car and we went to a local conservation area.  I hooked him to his leash and away we went.  We walked to the most beautiful waterfall and he had a nice long drink (to fill the tank for the walk back, it’s not a real walk for him unless he “waters” every tree along the path) and then we walked back.  I felt great!  The walking was mostly easy, some hills were steep and I had to walk carefully but it was awesome.  I don’t care how many calories I burned, or how strenuous it was….all I care about was that it was fun!  And peaceful.  I always forget that there’s a point to working out, it’s so you can make your everyday life easier and better, not so you can ratchet up another level on the elliptical machine.

I hope you don’t forget that too.


The Update March 21, 2010

Filed under: Goals and Expectations — Tara @ 3:21 pm

I set myself some New Years Resolutions this year for the first time in a long time.  It’s now the end of March, which means that a quarter of the year is gone (I know, I hate when people scare me with how fast time is passing too) and I thought I’d check in on how I’m doing with them.

1.  Take swimming lessons  – I’m still waiting on this one.  Not to make excuses, but between starting a new job and all my other fitness obligations, I just haven’t had the time.  I’m not giving this one up, I’m just pushing it back to May.

2.  Sign up for a Learn to Run 5K – Again, there’s been no time.  I’m thinking I might start the Couch to 5K instead, because I can do it anytime, rather than having to meet up with a group of people at an assigned time.  Thoughts?

3.  Run a 5K in May – DONE!  And, two months early!  I ran the Frosty 5K on Sunday March 8th and it was one of the proudest moments of my life.  My Weight Watchers leader even submitted it to corporate head office as in inspirational story!

4.  Ride My Bike – While it’s still too cold to really ride outside, I have invested in the padded shorts and have been taking spinning classes once a week for the last five weeks.  It’s awesome!  I leave the class exhausted and exhilarated.  I’ve even gotten off the bike only to slip on MY OWN SWEAT that dripped off me onto the floor.  Awesome.

5.  Take Up Yoga or Pilates – I went recently (ok, today) to a new yoga studio that just opened in my town and will be signing up in a week or so.  They have a great introductory offer of $30 for a month of unlimited classes and the girl at the desk was kind enough to recommend some good instructors/classes for beginners with all the flexibility and balance of a two-by-four.

6.  Weight Training  – this one is a massive FAIL!  I still can’t motivate myself to do this.  AT ALL.  I’m thinking I might try to commit to Body Pump again, just because it’s scheduled and I can count on it every week.  Sigh.

7.  Run a Half-Triathlon – this one is more a long-term (ie: the end of the year) kind of goal.  Since I’m still working on all the pieces that go into a triathlon, I feel that this one is well on its way to being a reality.

There you go!  I’m really pleased with how my resolutions are coming along for the most part.  How about you?  Are you still going strong, or have you fallen off the wagon?  And if you did fall off, how are you planning to get back on?


Eye on the Prize January 19, 2010

Filed under: Goals and Expectations,Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 8:40 pm

I’m down 1.6 lbs this week.  I have less than 50 lbs till my goal weight and I’m setting myself another mini-goal with a timeline to keep me focused.

By June 1st, which is 19 weeks away, I want to be half the woman I was.  That will mean having lost 165 lbs and it will mean that I will WEIGH 165 lbs.  I need to lose 29.2 lbs to get there, which is an average of 1.5 lbs per week.  It will be tough, these pounds are going to become ever increasingly difficult to shed, but I like goals that are aggressive.  Keeps me motivated.

Speaking of motivation, thank you very much everybody for the nice comments you left on my pictures!  Putting your fat face (and ass) all over the world-wide web is never easy, but you guys make it much more so.  I love you guys!

Have a great week everybody!  I’ll be back to share a recipe I had for dinner tonight that was the best tasting thing I have every personally made.