A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

Say Goodbye November 4, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 11:59 am
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I think it’s pretty obvious that I’ve stopped blogging, based on the fact that it’s been more than a year.

I haven’t stopped reading blogs and I haven’t given up my healthy lifestyle.  I just had quite the year.  I didn’t stop on purpose, it just kind of happened.

I’m not comfortable blogging here anymore, so I’ve moved.  I recently started a new blog and if you are interested in reading it, please email me at dust_cover [at] hotmail [dot] com and I will send you the link.

I figured I’d put this up here, just in case anyone ever checked to see if I’ve updated.

Catch you all on the flip side!

 

Merry XMas (War is Over) December 23, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 10:31 am
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Merry Christmas everyone!  Happy New Year too, as I most likely will not be posting again in 2010.

I have every intention of blogging more in the coming year.  My life is settling back into a routine – the move is out-of-the-way, my relationship is steady and calm-like (in a good way), family stuff is sorting itself out and I’ve managed to hit the gym a few times in the last couple of weeks.

My weight was up a bit (7 lbs – those darn 7 lbs!) when I did my December weigh in last week, but I’m trying not to worry.  I have moments where I feel intensely discouraged, and then sane moments when I sit back and recognize the truth: it’s the holidays.  It’s the time of year where I’m so busy that meal planning and cooking for myself is infinitely more difficult.  It’s the time of year where parties are a-plenty and yummy treats are being offered at every turn.

Gaining weight is not good for my brain.  Even though I know it’s normal and even though I’m still trying to make the best of EACH INDIVIDUAL SITUATION, gaining weight makes me feel like a failure.  I’m reminding myself that I’m not a failure by any stretch of the imagination, I’m banning negative self-talk and I’m getting through. 

At this time of year, it’s what I can do.

So in that spirit, I wish you success over the holiday season – but I urge you to make it the kind of success that is healthy, mentally.  Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not perfect because you can’t be.  You can only be you.

 

I’ve Been Away November 30, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 3:19 pm
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I cannot let November pass without a post.  I just can’t do it.

Things in my life are so awesome.  Not good, but awesome.  Blogging has taken a bit of backseat because of that.  I might apologize here, but I’m not going to.  I love to blog, but not at the expense of living my real life.  I do miss you all, and I plan to get back to regular blog writing as much as possible.

I’m still maintaining my weight loss – I was within two pounds of my goal weight at my November weigh in and received Lifetime membership at Weight Watchers.  I am so proud of myself.  Sometimes I pull my Lifetime card out of my wallet and just stare at it.  It’s still like some kind of dream.

Another dream come true is that I have been hired by Weight Watchers!  The territory manager for my area approached me one of my weigh in days and asked me if I would be interested in becoming a leader.  OF COURSE I SAID YES!!!  I’m so excited.  I’ve completed my two days of leader training and my mentoring sessions start next week, along with the launch of the new program in Canada.  I’m so excited about the new program!  I’m not really allowed to dish the details but it’s amazing.  It is such a SMART program and I truly believe that when members get on-board with it, they’re going to love it.

I have finished my house – all the painting is done and all the unpacking is complete.  My room mates and I hosted a very successful housewarming party two weeks ago and celebrated being home.  It was very nice.

I’m also in love.  It’s new and exciting and terrifying, all at once.  I’m not super comfortable sharing all the details of my personal life online, but rest assured, I’ve never been happier.  I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my entire life.

My only complaint lately is my fitness routine.  I’ll admit it, I did really well when I first moved – I was managing to hit the gym or run around outside at least two or three times a week.  But then, the holiday season started, I started feeling like I had no time for myself and poof!  No more workouts.

I miss being fit!  And I can definitely notice a difference in the way my body looks and feels – even though I’m the same weight, eight weeks of not moving enough has left me feeling…softer.  Or something.  I don’t like it.  So, the plan to get back to my old ways (funny, my old ways USED to be the way I’ve been living lately) right away.  I’m headed to spinning tonight and Thursday and I’m all set to hit yoga on Saturday.  I figure I’ll get three sessions (two cardio, one strength or flexibility) in per week until after the holidays and then I should be able to do a bit more.

Tomorrow marks the two-year anniversary of me changing my life.  It’s been a wild two years, and there were some dark times, but it’s all been worth it.  I’m the best “me” I’ve ever been.

 

Born Like This September 28, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:30 am
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Well, hello there blog folks.

I feel like a bad blogger lately.  Worse, I feel like a bad WEIGHT LOSS blogger lately.

My life is a bit messy right now and it’s definitely having an impact on my ability to live a healthy life.  I don’t like it.  At all.

The biggest thing that’s going on is that I’m moving.  Yay, right?  Except that the problems began when my roommates and I started house hunting.  I am moving to the small city that I work in, to save myself a two-hour round-trip commute every day.  I had the idea of moving in the back of my head when I took this new job in April and I wanted to be living here before the snow started to fall and the drive got REALLY treacherous. 

We began house hunting.  It meant staying very late in Brampton, which meant either missing dinner, eating dinner at 11 pm, or eating out.  I ate out a lot.  Now, I hit maintenance during this period of eating out constantly, so I was making some good solid choices, but still.  I don’t like to eat out.  It’s a bad habit I had to work hard to break, and I find that falling back into one bad habit has a nasty way of leading back into OTHER bad habits.  Just me?

My roommates and I found a place.  We signed the lease, we divvied up the bedrooms and we prepared to move in.

Moving is stressful. 

We wanted to paint basically the entire house before we moved in – to make it ours, and to not live in a white box.  There has been many late nights (I’m so tired these days that I feel like I’m walking through water at all times), lots of takeout and many, many decisions to be made.

I haven’t been making the best ones.  My eating these last two weeks has been pretty atrocious.  I have been eating the things I want, but are not so good for me.  I have also had some run-ins with my old friend, the binge.  I am a compulsive eater, I know this, but it always surprises me to find out how hungry I am when I’m stressed out.

Then, on Friday, my step-father passed away.  He was 49 and had a massive heart attack.  We have a complicated back story, which I would like to talk about here someday when my life calms down enough for me to really reflect on what happened, and I dealt with his death by staying calm and supportive and strong for my family.  I held hands, hugged, and was the shoulder to cry on for many people. 

Then on the two-hour drive home, I went through a McDonald’s drive-thru.  I knew I wasn’t hungry.  I knew I was eating because I was sad and angry and hollow.  I did it anyway.  I got a Big Mac and french fries.  When I was done, I had an ice cream cone.  It was not my finest moment.

However, while I was eating my ice cream, I realized something.

I use stress as my EXCUSE to binge.

Here’s the thing: I”m not certain that I binge because I’m stressed, or I use the excuse of stress to have a binge.  I enjoy bingeing.  It’s so weird to say that, but it’s true.  I like giving myself permission to eat large quantities of food that is not good for me.

So while I was driving through the drive-thru, I wasn’t panicked and wanting to eat.  I was thinking that the situation I was in, the moving, the death in the family, the new relationship I’ve started (oh yeah, there’s that huge stress too, even though it’s a good one), it was all stuff that would lead to anyone to have a mental breakdown.  Being me, I deal with my mental breakdowns by eating.  Therefore, a binge was in order.

Yeah.

I need to figure this out.  I’m determined to be within two pounds of my goal weight in three weeks so I can hit maintenance.  I’m weighing in today (I skipped last week – the first time I’ve deliberately missed a weigh in since I started Weight Watchers in Dec ’08) and I’m going to see what two weeks of eating whatever, whenever and never making it to the gym has done to me.

It won’t be pretty, but I will face it and move on.  I am stronger than this and I am worth the effort it takes to make my life better.

 

Trynna Find a Way September 22, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 7:36 am
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I’m still here!

I’m scarce around these parts lately, I’m in the midst of some big changes in my life, which I really do want to share with everyone, but I’m so busy! 

I will post again by the end of the week with a proper update, including how maintenance is going. 

In the meantime, I hope everyone is having a good week!

 

No More August 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:46 am
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The other day, I was wondering when I will have to stop calling myself fat.

Oh, stop.  I know what you’re thinking!  “Tara, you should NEVER be calling yourself fat!  It’s negative self-talk and it’s going to destroy your fragile self-confidence!”.  Blah, diddy, blah, blah, blah.

The thing is, it’s not that I “call” myself fat – it’s just that being fat is so tied with who I am that I’m used to thinking of it as part of me.  Like, I have blue eyes.  I have blue eyes, small feet and I’m fat.  It’s me.  I know there are lots of people who get this.  I’ve been overweight since I WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, so thinking of myself as fat (or large, or chubby, or plump) is just par for the course.

However.  I figured at some point, I would have to stop including this in the inventory of pieces that make up who I am.  I mean, I’m not really fat anymore.  (Dude, I totally just typed “I’m not really THAT fat anymore, but then I took it out).  I`m really quite normal sized.  I`m even smaller than the average woman these days (average size commonly believed to be a size 12 – I`m currently sitting here in a pair of size 8 pants), so I figured at some point I would have to readjust my thinking and figure out how I that would fit in with my own ideas about who I am and how I look.

That day was apparently yesterday.

Let me tell you a little story, in which I`m pretty sure I almost got bitch slapped. 

I was shopping yesterday in a Reitmans.  For those of you who aren`t Canadian, Reitmans is a store that carries both regular and plus sized clothing under the same roof.  I was looking for a sweater or something to leave at my desk at work so I`ll stop fearing amputation from frost bite, and I looked up and noticed I had strayed into the Plus-sized section.  I guess Plus-sized sections are like planets, the gravity just pulls you in if you`re used to orbiting near them.

Anyway, I`m standing there and I noticed a really cute sweater (I know! In Plus-size!  How weird!) so I picked up the sleeve and was looking at the price.  I`m not sure why?  I just was.

I caught another woman looking at me and I smiled.  I often strike up conversations with strangers, so I mentioned how pretty the sweater was.  She looked mad!  She mumbled something under her breath that I didn’t quite catch and I asked her to repeat herself.  She said “like that would fit YOU!” and was sort of hostile about it.  I didn’t know what to say.  I don’t like to tell virtual strangers about my weight loss, and this has never happened to me before so I kinda froze.  Then, she asked what I was even doing on that side of the store!  I really didn’t know what to say, so I just kinda walked away. 

At first I was offended.  Then I realized that when I was forced to buy all my clothes at insane prices and covered with giant flowers, I would have felt quite the same as this woman.  I mean, sure, I could have been buying a gift, but honestly?  I know I would have felt like thin people get all the nice clothes, leave me the ONE SWEATER that’s not heinous and get lost.

Cause I’m like that in my head, if not out loud.

It’s caused me to reflect, so that’s something.  I’m going to have to work on how I describe myself.  Thin(er) is how I usually phrase it, but I have a feeling even that’s not going to fly for very much longer.

Any suggestions?

 

A Sound That Only You Can Hear August 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:00 am
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I always believed that I would lose weight one day and get the life that I wanted.  I used to sit and think about what my life would be like when I achieved my weight loss goals.  I always dreamed about “one day”.  “One day” I would be thin and pretty and active.  I would get to do all the things that my weight was preventing me from doing and it was going to be awesome.

I was always waiting for someone to come along and make it happen for me.  I was waiting for a pill, or a miracle cure, or a divine ray of motivation and inspiration to come to me.

But nothing and no one was going to come along and do it for me.

The work, the dreaded sticking to an eating plan and moving my butt around, was always going to have to be done by me.  No one else, no matter how much they wanted me to have the life I deserved, was going to be able to lose the weight for me.  It was on me.

You have to do it by yourself.  There can be support and there can be encouragement, but ultimately your fate rests on your shoulders alone.  You are responsible for your failures (boo) and your successes (yay!).  You have to make the decisions that will lead to where ever you end up.  You can’t depend on anyone to do the work for you.

So just start doing it.  Start small or start big, but make some changes.  Make one decision at a time, don’t get too overwhelmed but do it.  Take control of your life and your weight and make your own fate.

You can do this.