A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

Lame October 11, 2010

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:10 am

One day, I will manage to get the internet installed in my home. 

I was down a pound on Tuesday, but I’m sure I’ll be up this week.  It’s Canadian Thanksgiving and there was turkey.  And sweet potatoes.  And pumpkin pie.  And apple pie.

I’ve been eating mostly well throughout the rest of the week, but the scale doesn’t lie and I still have been too busy painting and unpacking to make it to the gym.

How’s this for the lamest check-in ever?


Face the Music October 1, 2010

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:00 am

7 lbs.  That’s what I gained in two weeks of eating crappy and not hitting up the gym.  I’m sure that some of that 7 lbs is water weight, caused by an overload of processed foods, but still.  7 lbs.

It’s behind me.  I’ve been binge-free for two days now, which to me is more important than hitting my calorie target.  I attended my step-fathers funeral yesterday and managed to indulge in some baked goods from the sweet tray, but I had anticipated this and eaten very lightly prior to going.  I counted what I ate and I’m satisfied with how I managed a pretty stressful event.

I have some really stressful things coming up, I’ve got to finish packing, I’m moving and there is still a ton of work left to do on the  house.  But I’m going to get through it.  I’m going to focus on the small moments, rather than the big picture, and I’m going to make it through this.

I will not use my stress as an excuse to binge eat.  I’m making this statement here so that I can come back and read it if I need to.  That is going to be my focus.  I can’t expect that my eating is going to be perfect in this topsy-turvy time, but if I can just get through this without binge eating, I will be proud and satisfied.

Wish me luck.


Everlong September 9, 2010

Filed under: Goals and Expectations,Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:35 pm

I just deleted everything I had just written because I decided that I only want to do this:


That’s right!

I have no idea how I managed to lose 7 lbs in two weeks.  I had an enormous loss last week and went to my weigh in anticipating staying the same or even a small gain.  Again, I didn’t eat on a schedule.  I didn’t binge eat, I didn’t plan for every single solitary thing that MIGHT happen.  I just did my normal thing.  The thing where I feel like I’m just like everyone else.  I may even have done a thing where I went to a dance club and had a few too many beer.

I stepped on the scale and the number came up:

I just stood there.  In shock.  I honestly thought I had been struck dumb.  It was…bizarre.  Then, I said (like a moron), “I think I just hit goal”.  There was literally no one else in the Weight Watchers except me because I’ve been going to weigh in on my lunch hour.  The receptionist looked down at my file and agreed that I had, indeed, hit goal.  I jumped off the scale, turned in a weird circle (like a dog, how amazing) and then ran around the counter and hugged the receptionist.  I then burst into tears.  I literally could not stop crying for about ten minutes.

She took this picture of me:

I stood there for another few minutes and then I left.  I’m waiting till next week to get my At Goal key chain thing because I want to go to my regular meeting and get it there.  That’s very important to me.  I need to celebrate and share with the wonderful people who were there for me and supported me all along this thing.

I feel…incredible.  It’s made all the more sweeter by the fact that I feel like I had a real breakthrough over these last few weeks.  I’m not saying that it’s not going to be work to keep the weight off, but I don’t feel like it’s going to be impossible or that it’s going to be a constant battle.

I feel like I know how to really listen to my body.  I’m sure that there will be days when this is harder than others, but I feel like I can do this.  I feel like I can be normal.  I’m going to continue to follow Weight Watchers, counting points and tracking my food.  I’m going to continue doing all the exercise that I love so much: running, biking, hiking, spinning, yoga, Zumba etc.  I’m going to continue to live my active, healthy life.  And I’m going to continue to be happy.

I’m going to continue to blog here – I love writing about the things I’m doing and I’m also really aware of how much accountability was gained by posting.  I also feel like blogging is a weird kind of therapy.  I work out my issues while I’m writing.

In the meantime, I leave you with these two images.  One was taken a month before I started this and the other was taken last Saturday.  They speak for themselves:


Laughing With August 31, 2010

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 7:32 pm

When the number came up on the scale today, I actually burst out laughing.

I must have looked pretty crazy.

First, let me explain.

I did something to my knee last Wednesday when I was running.  I’m not sure what I did because I figured I would see a doctor only if it got worse.  It didn’t, it just kind of ached inside.  I took basically the rest of the week off from the gym, only hitting yoga last night.

Every morning I would evaluate how my knee felt and it never felt 100%.  I don’t want a real injury that will sideline me, so I took it easy.

I listened to my body.

I also decided that this week I was going to count points, but I was going to do it in an intuitive eating-type fashion.  I did not eat on a schedule, I ate when I was hungry.  It’s so revolutionary! 

I was extremely busy this week with friends, which helped stave off the loneliness that I’m pretty sure is at the root of my binge eating, but we did stuff that I would might have said no to before I made the conscious effort to relax and just let the weight loss happen.

I went for sushi one night last week.  I went to a patio and had a regular beer (as in, not light beer).  I shopped, attended a concert, found the word’s best cookie and just lived my life as I feel a “normal” person would.  Normal, being someone who does not suffer from compulsive and binge eating.

I lost 4 lbs this week.

4 LBS!!

This is why I had a complete laugh attack upon viewing the number on the scale.

I keep having to relearn my own lessons over and over: weight loss is mostly mental.  I’ve said it again and again, but I keep forgetting and then reminding myself. 

In this spirit, I”m not going to make a big deal of this loss.  I’m just going to keep living my life in its current healthy fashion.  No celebrations, no giant declarations of momentum, no planning for the last of the pounds to come off. 

Just my life.


All the Good in This Life August 26, 2010

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 9:09 pm

Quick post!  I’ll be back again to update on Sunday.

I’m up a pound this week, which is annoying but I’ve accepted that I’m sort of in a plateau.  I’m choosing to do this Bitch Cakes-style and reframe the crap out of it.

I’m choosing to think of this back and forth, so close to goal, yet so far away as a way to practice maintenance.  I’m still doing all my healthy things – eating right, getting lots of exercise and taking care of myself.  It’s just not happening for me.  Oh well.  It could be worse.  Bugging myself about it and drafting plans to get through it was not working.  As I mentioned a week or so ago, I’m just going with the flow on these last pounds.

That’s part of my transition I think.  I need to be getting my head around the idea that this is life.  It’s real and present and it can’t be avoided.  I don’t live in a bubble and I don’t think that any of you do either. 

Whatever this is, I’m not flipping out about it anymore.  It was driving me crazy to obsess over these last pounds and I’m just NOT DOING IT ANYMORE.  They’ll come off.  It’s just a matter of time.

I’m exhausted today – I took the night off and am headed up to have a hot bath and wear some kind of facemask.  I’m going to curl up with a good book, ignore the pile of dishes and go to bed early.  I’ve earned it.


Take It Easy August 17, 2010

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:03 pm

There’s this pose in yoga.  It’s called Crow pose and it’s a tough one.

See, you squat down with your knees spread wide (dirty!) and then you hug your knees around your biceps as tightly as you can.  You squeeze your biceps hard as you lean forward and then?!  Your feet lift off the floor and you’re supporting your whole body on your arms.  It looks insane.  It feels insane sometimes.

Cause here’s the thing: you hug your knees in tight and then you have to let go.  If you tense up, your feet will never come off the floor.  You’ll fall.  You have to keep your head up and your eyes forward as you let go of the tension in your lower body and then?  It just happens.  If you squeeze too hard and you don’t trust yourself to hold steady, your feet will never come up and you might even topple over.

It’s very similar to my weight loss efforts lately.  I’ve been so sure that if I just “squeezed” hard enough, I could make it happen.  I could lose these last few pounds and hit my goal.

Instead, my weight loss was stalling, grinding to a halt even.  I was attempting to control and plan for everything and not only was I driving myself nuts (mentally), but I wasn’t getting anywhere.  I was teetering up and down the same few ounces every week.  I’m happy to announce that I had a mini-break through this week on the scale, I lost 1.4 lbs, but more importantly I came to a really important decision this week.

I’m done trying to force this weight off.  It’s going to come off, everything I’ve been doing over the last 90 weeks has taught me that weight is eventually going to go away if I just keep plugging at it.  But instead of tensing up about it, or driving myself to distraction with “what ifs” and “I should haves….”, I’m going to just let it happen.  If it takes a year to lose the last 5.8 lbs, then it takes a year.  I’m not going anywhere and frankly, there are worse things in this world than being 5.8 lbs overweight.  I should know, I used to be 173 lbs overweight.


Kickstart My Heart August 11, 2010

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 8:02 am

I weighed in last night and was up 0.2 lbs.  Not such a big deal.

Except that I’m lying and it is.  It’s been tough around my life these last couple of weeks, between the stomach issues and the family stuff.  I worked my butt off last week and gained weight and it sucks.

Last night was bad, I’m not going to lie.  I don’t know what happened, but I had a bit of a meltdown.

After my disappointing weigh in, I went to the gym and for whatever reason, I had to stop after 17 minutes on the elliptical machine.  I literally could not have stayed on that sucker for another minute more.  I’m not sure what that’s about, but I know that it left me feeling defeated and deflated.

Combine that with my gain and it was a doozy of a bad night.  I skipped eating dinner and snacked all night long.  I didn’t go over what I had left from my weekly and activity points from last week, but it was still not the greatest feeling in the world to keep getting up for more pudding and pita chips. 

It’s over and done with – I’m moving onwards and upwards.  I am going to be trying some new stuff in terms of food and how I’m eating, going to examine if food boredom isn’t something I’m suffering from.  I’m going to try to become less of a snacker and more of a meal-type person. 

It’s an experiment!  I think changing stuff up at this point is a good idea.  I’ve been stuck at basically the same weight for three or four weeks now and I need something of a kick-start. 

Wish me luck!