A Perfect Version of Myself

Losing Weight is Hard

Everlong September 9, 2010

Filed under: Goals and Expectations,Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:35 pm
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I just deleted everything I had just written because I decided that I only want to do this:

I HIT GOAL AT WEIGHT WATCHERS!!

That’s right!

I have no idea how I managed to lose 7 lbs in two weeks.  I had an enormous loss last week and went to my weigh in anticipating staying the same or even a small gain.  Again, I didn’t eat on a schedule.  I didn’t binge eat, I didn’t plan for every single solitary thing that MIGHT happen.  I just did my normal thing.  The thing where I feel like I’m just like everyone else.  I may even have done a thing where I went to a dance club and had a few too many beer.

I stepped on the scale and the number came up:

I just stood there.  In shock.  I honestly thought I had been struck dumb.  It was…bizarre.  Then, I said (like a moron), “I think I just hit goal”.  There was literally no one else in the Weight Watchers except me because I’ve been going to weigh in on my lunch hour.  The receptionist looked down at my file and agreed that I had, indeed, hit goal.  I jumped off the scale, turned in a weird circle (like a dog, how amazing) and then ran around the counter and hugged the receptionist.  I then burst into tears.  I literally could not stop crying for about ten minutes.

She took this picture of me:

I stood there for another few minutes and then I left.  I’m waiting till next week to get my At Goal key chain thing because I want to go to my regular meeting and get it there.  That’s very important to me.  I need to celebrate and share with the wonderful people who were there for me and supported me all along this thing.

I feel…incredible.  It’s made all the more sweeter by the fact that I feel like I had a real breakthrough over these last few weeks.  I’m not saying that it’s not going to be work to keep the weight off, but I don’t feel like it’s going to be impossible or that it’s going to be a constant battle.

I feel like I know how to really listen to my body.  I’m sure that there will be days when this is harder than others, but I feel like I can do this.  I feel like I can be normal.  I’m going to continue to follow Weight Watchers, counting points and tracking my food.  I’m going to continue doing all the exercise that I love so much: running, biking, hiking, spinning, yoga, Zumba etc.  I’m going to continue to live my active, healthy life.  And I’m going to continue to be happy.

I’m going to continue to blog here – I love writing about the things I’m doing and I’m also really aware of how much accountability was gained by posting.  I also feel like blogging is a weird kind of therapy.  I work out my issues while I’m writing.

In the meantime, I leave you with these two images.  One was taken a month before I started this and the other was taken last Saturday.  They speak for themselves:

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Laughing With August 31, 2010

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 7:32 pm
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When the number came up on the scale today, I actually burst out laughing.

I must have looked pretty crazy.

First, let me explain.

I did something to my knee last Wednesday when I was running.  I’m not sure what I did because I figured I would see a doctor only if it got worse.  It didn’t, it just kind of ached inside.  I took basically the rest of the week off from the gym, only hitting yoga last night.

Every morning I would evaluate how my knee felt and it never felt 100%.  I don’t want a real injury that will sideline me, so I took it easy.

I listened to my body.

I also decided that this week I was going to count points, but I was going to do it in an intuitive eating-type fashion.  I did not eat on a schedule, I ate when I was hungry.  It’s so revolutionary! 

I was extremely busy this week with friends, which helped stave off the loneliness that I’m pretty sure is at the root of my binge eating, but we did stuff that I would might have said no to before I made the conscious effort to relax and just let the weight loss happen.

I went for sushi one night last week.  I went to a patio and had a regular beer (as in, not light beer).  I shopped, attended a concert, found the word’s best cookie and just lived my life as I feel a “normal” person would.  Normal, being someone who does not suffer from compulsive and binge eating.

I lost 4 lbs this week.

4 LBS!!

This is why I had a complete laugh attack upon viewing the number on the scale.

I keep having to relearn my own lessons over and over: weight loss is mostly mental.  I’ve said it again and again, but I keep forgetting and then reminding myself. 

In this spirit, I”m not going to make a big deal of this loss.  I’m just going to keep living my life in its current healthy fashion.  No celebrations, no giant declarations of momentum, no planning for the last of the pounds to come off. 

Just my life.

 

All the Good in This Life August 26, 2010

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 9:09 pm
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Quick post!  I’ll be back again to update on Sunday.

I’m up a pound this week, which is annoying but I’ve accepted that I’m sort of in a plateau.  I’m choosing to do this Bitch Cakes-style and reframe the crap out of it.

I’m choosing to think of this back and forth, so close to goal, yet so far away as a way to practice maintenance.  I’m still doing all my healthy things – eating right, getting lots of exercise and taking care of myself.  It’s just not happening for me.  Oh well.  It could be worse.  Bugging myself about it and drafting plans to get through it was not working.  As I mentioned a week or so ago, I’m just going with the flow on these last pounds.

That’s part of my transition I think.  I need to be getting my head around the idea that this is life.  It’s real and present and it can’t be avoided.  I don’t live in a bubble and I don’t think that any of you do either. 

Whatever this is, I’m not flipping out about it anymore.  It was driving me crazy to obsess over these last pounds and I’m just NOT DOING IT ANYMORE.  They’ll come off.  It’s just a matter of time.

I’m exhausted today – I took the night off and am headed up to have a hot bath and wear some kind of facemask.  I’m going to curl up with a good book, ignore the pile of dishes and go to bed early.  I’ve earned it.

 

No More August 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:46 am
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The other day, I was wondering when I will have to stop calling myself fat.

Oh, stop.  I know what you’re thinking!  “Tara, you should NEVER be calling yourself fat!  It’s negative self-talk and it’s going to destroy your fragile self-confidence!”.  Blah, diddy, blah, blah, blah.

The thing is, it’s not that I “call” myself fat – it’s just that being fat is so tied with who I am that I’m used to thinking of it as part of me.  Like, I have blue eyes.  I have blue eyes, small feet and I’m fat.  It’s me.  I know there are lots of people who get this.  I’ve been overweight since I WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, so thinking of myself as fat (or large, or chubby, or plump) is just par for the course.

However.  I figured at some point, I would have to stop including this in the inventory of pieces that make up who I am.  I mean, I’m not really fat anymore.  (Dude, I totally just typed “I’m not really THAT fat anymore, but then I took it out).  I`m really quite normal sized.  I`m even smaller than the average woman these days (average size commonly believed to be a size 12 – I`m currently sitting here in a pair of size 8 pants), so I figured at some point I would have to readjust my thinking and figure out how I that would fit in with my own ideas about who I am and how I look.

That day was apparently yesterday.

Let me tell you a little story, in which I`m pretty sure I almost got bitch slapped. 

I was shopping yesterday in a Reitmans.  For those of you who aren`t Canadian, Reitmans is a store that carries both regular and plus sized clothing under the same roof.  I was looking for a sweater or something to leave at my desk at work so I`ll stop fearing amputation from frost bite, and I looked up and noticed I had strayed into the Plus-sized section.  I guess Plus-sized sections are like planets, the gravity just pulls you in if you`re used to orbiting near them.

Anyway, I`m standing there and I noticed a really cute sweater (I know! In Plus-size!  How weird!) so I picked up the sleeve and was looking at the price.  I`m not sure why?  I just was.

I caught another woman looking at me and I smiled.  I often strike up conversations with strangers, so I mentioned how pretty the sweater was.  She looked mad!  She mumbled something under her breath that I didn’t quite catch and I asked her to repeat herself.  She said “like that would fit YOU!” and was sort of hostile about it.  I didn’t know what to say.  I don’t like to tell virtual strangers about my weight loss, and this has never happened to me before so I kinda froze.  Then, she asked what I was even doing on that side of the store!  I really didn’t know what to say, so I just kinda walked away. 

At first I was offended.  Then I realized that when I was forced to buy all my clothes at insane prices and covered with giant flowers, I would have felt quite the same as this woman.  I mean, sure, I could have been buying a gift, but honestly?  I know I would have felt like thin people get all the nice clothes, leave me the ONE SWEATER that’s not heinous and get lost.

Cause I’m like that in my head, if not out loud.

It’s caused me to reflect, so that’s something.  I’m going to have to work on how I describe myself.  Thin(er) is how I usually phrase it, but I have a feeling even that’s not going to fly for very much longer.

Any suggestions?

 

Take It Easy August 17, 2010

Filed under: Weight Loss Updates — Tara @ 10:03 pm
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There’s this pose in yoga.  It’s called Crow pose and it’s a tough one.

See, you squat down with your knees spread wide (dirty!) and then you hug your knees around your biceps as tightly as you can.  You squeeze your biceps hard as you lean forward and then?!  Your feet lift off the floor and you’re supporting your whole body on your arms.  It looks insane.  It feels insane sometimes.

Cause here’s the thing: you hug your knees in tight and then you have to let go.  If you tense up, your feet will never come off the floor.  You’ll fall.  You have to keep your head up and your eyes forward as you let go of the tension in your lower body and then?  It just happens.  If you squeeze too hard and you don’t trust yourself to hold steady, your feet will never come up and you might even topple over.

It’s very similar to my weight loss efforts lately.  I’ve been so sure that if I just “squeezed” hard enough, I could make it happen.  I could lose these last few pounds and hit my goal.

Instead, my weight loss was stalling, grinding to a halt even.  I was attempting to control and plan for everything and not only was I driving myself nuts (mentally), but I wasn’t getting anywhere.  I was teetering up and down the same few ounces every week.  I’m happy to announce that I had a mini-break through this week on the scale, I lost 1.4 lbs, but more importantly I came to a really important decision this week.

I’m done trying to force this weight off.  It’s going to come off, everything I’ve been doing over the last 90 weeks has taught me that weight is eventually going to go away if I just keep plugging at it.  But instead of tensing up about it, or driving myself to distraction with “what ifs” and “I should haves….”, I’m going to just let it happen.  If it takes a year to lose the last 5.8 lbs, then it takes a year.  I’m not going anywhere and frankly, there are worse things in this world than being 5.8 lbs overweight.  I should know, I used to be 173 lbs overweight.

 

A Sound That Only You Can Hear August 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 8:00 am
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I always believed that I would lose weight one day and get the life that I wanted.  I used to sit and think about what my life would be like when I achieved my weight loss goals.  I always dreamed about “one day”.  “One day” I would be thin and pretty and active.  I would get to do all the things that my weight was preventing me from doing and it was going to be awesome.

I was always waiting for someone to come along and make it happen for me.  I was waiting for a pill, or a miracle cure, or a divine ray of motivation and inspiration to come to me.

But nothing and no one was going to come along and do it for me.

The work, the dreaded sticking to an eating plan and moving my butt around, was always going to have to be done by me.  No one else, no matter how much they wanted me to have the life I deserved, was going to be able to lose the weight for me.  It was on me.

You have to do it by yourself.  There can be support and there can be encouragement, but ultimately your fate rests on your shoulders alone.  You are responsible for your failures (boo) and your successes (yay!).  You have to make the decisions that will lead to where ever you end up.  You can’t depend on anyone to do the work for you.

So just start doing it.  Start small or start big, but make some changes.  Make one decision at a time, don’t get too overwhelmed but do it.  Take control of your life and your weight and make your own fate.

You can do this.

 

A Little Something Refreshing August 11, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tara @ 10:33 pm
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Since I’m toying with the idea of doing more food blogging, I thought it would be fun to post pictures of what I eat on a pretty regular basis.  Without further ado, here is a typical day in my food world!

I always pack my lunch the night before:

I pack lean chicken, veggies and hummus for a wrap:

I take some yogurt, a granola bar and some fruit:

I pack it all up and put it in the fridge for the next day:

I get up in the morning and I have breakfast, which usually consists of puffed wheat cereal, mixed berries and yogurt:

I cut up the berries and pour them over the cereal:

I add the yogurt:

Stir and enjoy!

When I get to work, I indulge in the single cup of coffee I allow myself in a day:

Around mid-morning, I eat a piece of fruit (a pear, in today’s case) but I forgot to take a picture of it – so here’s one of me instead:

At lunchtime, I assemble my wrap:

Eat my yogurt:

Enjoy my granola bar:

And finish off with another piece of fruit – honeydew melon for today:

About 3 pm, I have another piece of fruit (I love fruit!).  For today, it was an apple:

I left work and went to the gym for some quality Zumba time.  When I got home, I made chicken fajitas for dinner:

Which turned out awesome:

I had dessert:

And then later I made Cranberry-Bran muffins to put in the freezer for when I’m craving a baked good and I “tested” one:

My total food intake today was 21 Weight Watchers points.  I left one behind, but I’m trying not to eat when I’m not hungry and I was satisfied with leaving it.

Can you tell I bought a new camera?  Look for more photos to be posted now that I possess the tools to do so!  Welcome to the year 2001 Tara!